Ah what a weekend. Pitlane observer, gla

Ah what a weekend. Pitlane observer, glad it wasn't too taxing!

Last Chemo

Last chemo Placitaxol... drips in

Kate and me at the last one

I am ready to sleep any second now... but on a bit of a buzz with the chemo bit under the belt at last.... it's been a fast 6 months!!!

The weekly taxols have been having their toll on me... and I know I will be sleeping tomorrow... it seems to have been accumulative... and last week I had a neulasta to top it off I was in quite a fog of pain, with some very frightening chest pains...4 hourly panadol has been my best friend...but my neutrophils were great today so the neulasta did its job, and I was able to get all of the chemo treatments done with minimal SEs
so..... after 4 x 3 weekly FAC where I lost my hair but my nails were great.... then 12 x weekly taxols where I have felt the roller coaster getting faster and faster with less reality gap in the middle I can see the end in sight... my hair started growing back while on Taxol, but my nails all broke...and my veins are still doing well... amazing with all of the blood and infusions I have had with only one arm/hand to use.

Blood tests were done a few weeks ago for diabetes and cholesterol... onc was concerned about sugar levels... I guess fruit tingles do have a SE... but my fasting test was fine... but oops... eating ice cream and chocolate, and baking with butter has not been good for my cholesterol... so making a concerted effort to cut out these things and get a bit more exercise... walking half an hour each week... have lost a couple of kilos already... considering I put on about 15 kgs this is a very good thing... also looking to take up zumba, and hopefully some gym work.

On Monday I was marked up for my rads which will start on Nov 9th and go till the week before Christmas.. I am so glad DH has been holding my hand every step... he mentioned how many weeks I was getting on different bits... I had no recollection... he even knows the grade?? of the radiation...

Now I can try and get my head around a crazy weekend... starting with my sister's graduation, and a morning at the races on Friday... then the gtg on saturday... and back to the Shannon's on Sunday (they will have to make do without me on Saturday)

Hard week

Feel like I am getting on top... or at least managing the Taxol effects... the dex effects are still most annoying... the breakouts on my face really hurt, and seem to get worse each week... managing the pain in my muscles and bones with panadol regularly... trying to get some physical activity into my day.... have been walking most evenings with Michael...and trying to get on the wiifit most days... except when it hurts too much.
I was still very teary... hormonal? menopausal? just trying to deal? anyway I burst into tears again... when chatting to the Onc... wondering how will I know when it has all gone... after all, so much was there and not seen even with the scans... until it was cut out... and how much has gone through my lymph nodes into my body? I know the girls on the bulletin board are happy when there is no lymph node involvement, as that means the C has been contained within the breast.... so when it's cut out it is gone...once it goes to the lymph nodes... ughhhhhhh... anyway as a result I have a new prescription for anti anxiety/depression/hot flushes... not sure if it was that or the taxol that knocked me around from Thursday - Sunday, with Friday being my very sleepy day... but very light headed for most of the week... so feeling ok yesterday... and better today, but still a bit sleepy...and we start it all again tomorrow..second last... woo hooo
Not only have I put on excessive weight (15 kgs since May) but they were concerned about the sugar levels in one of my blood tests (apparently the charming dexamethasone can also cause diabetes..LOL... so last week I ended up having 3 blood tests...reg one on Monday, they pulled some blood to check ca levels etc after chemo on Wednesday... and then the fasting blood test on Friday and feeling very tired...no diabetes... sugar level is fine... however... for the first time ever my cholesterol is too high... shit shit shit
Now as to what has caused that... no surprises... having used chocolate as a comfort food... doing tons of baking with butter and chocolate... ok... it has given me a kick in the butt to stop feeling so sorry for myself...and do something about it...
so watching what I eat... and doing something physical each day... I am sure this will help my mental state too....
ahhhh next step is to organise the radiation therapy.... I think it was next week for the marking up... also looking to get some physio on my lympho arm... and guidance with exercises.... hoping I can start at gym and zumba soon....

Struggle time

I think that because I am physically coping with the chemo so far... only 2 more to go...my mind is letting me down... Don't get me wrong... it hurts and I feel like shit... tired... hormonal... my skin is red and covered in spots, I'm crabby and bitchy (menopausal)...bloated and have put on 16 kilos since May :(:(:( but I know there are others doing it a lot tougher and rougher.
At the start of this I was so pumped to not let this beat me back into depression (once was enough), I was sure it wouldn't happen... and yet, I can feel that familiar and uncomfortable teetering on the knife edge, looking at the abyss. And doing what I do to crawl into my little black box... leaving the phone to go flat, not answering, having "chat" turned off... not going out much unless I have to...and it is getting me down..
I haven't been posting here often, because it's too hard to get my head around... and I generally get some really good blog posts going through my head in the middle of the night as I lie awake.
Spent a lot of the weekend crying, usually at night, or when no one could see me... not because of the football, but because it was my birthday and my mind went to that dark place... wondering how many birthdays .... it wasn't consoling to be told the pain around my wound site is probably not mets... This week I asked the onc... how do I know, when will I know....and burst into tears... no I haven't been sleeping well... yes I am very emotional... I have tried to get some help from the GP and told to come back next week...so the onc prescribed some stuff for anxiety... and I hope this will help...mild dose initially... and we shall see...
Today the aches have set in... must take some more panadol shortly... and I am very sleepy... and it's our 22nd anniversary :)
grrr.... enough whinging for today

Feeling drained having had blood taken 3 times this week...

I hate dexamethasone

Ok...warning this will probably be a very dark post after chemo yesterday had a shitty night... With both constipation and diarrhea, up and down all night, ended up having to take the anti diarrhea tablets in the morning, which seemed to stem the problem, although I slept till just about midday...
Seems most of my major SEs are related to the dexamethasone...ughhh... Glad there are only 5 more to go. The bloating, fluid retention, fat round face, over eating, spots, ...just very over it....
And now the other pains start to set in... Thursday night aches from the taxol...
Just feeling bleagh and run down... The hot flashes are a hoot... And the only good thing so far is lack of endometriosis pain... Hoping the menopause stays.
Too tired to think...

An exhausting but fun weekend at phillip

An exhausting but fun weekend at phillip island. Worked go the office, running times out to teams. Whacked by the end, feet and ankles quiet swollen with fluid.

Look Good Feel Better workshop.

Look Good Feel Better workshop.

Feeling fake

Bleagh....
Well... Every now and then I feel like I am just home, and this whole thing is just nothing.... I mean I was really well and healthy when initially diagnosed, and apart from the run of the mill side effects, nausea, body aches, low blood counts, diarhea(sp)tiredness... chemo has been treating me not too bad...
Or so I think....and compared to others traveling this path not getting the violent reactions, at times I feel so fake, because I have no energy to move too much, just lie on the couch and watch foxtel, but I don't feel that "sick"! I keep being told to take it easy, and I do... To let people do things for me.... That is hard, when on the most part I feel ok. So I do little things around the house, and bigger ones on the days I have more energy. Going to weekly chemotherapy has made it a tighter schedule, with not as many energetic days.
And then it comes up and bitch slaps me, reminding me how sick I am!
We have just had a massive weekend, nothing I could avoided, or would have wanted to... And other things just kept piling on.
My sister came to visit me from Queensland and we went shopping on Friday with mum... Pretty exhausting, but worth it as I got some lovely new boots :) That night both sisters came over for dinner and catch up drinks, I had my first alcohol in months!!! Lovely gin and tonic! And when Mr 14 came in to say good ight at 8pm I knew a new element was being added to the busy weekend equation. He had a temp in the high 30's, getting close to 40c I tried to keep my distance, but as a mum that is soooo hard
Saturday I spent hemming trousers and jackets to be worn that evening, mr 14 was still running a temp, but was determined he was ok enough to go out with us in the evening!!! We had been invited to our motorsport club presentation night, with miss10 and mr 11 have been working with me in the race secretary's office. Will - fever boy, ended up being dropped at my mum's for the night. Jack and Nat were awarded Junior Clubpersons Of The Year. Big trophy and some little ones to keep!! They were so impressed with themselves...as was I- i did have a few tears well up, thinking about things best not thought about, more of that on Sunday too.
It was a long night....again I felt I was faking it, everyone commented on how well I looked, hehehe wig and all! I had pain across my back, but not different to muscle ache after a day at the races on a flag point!!
Sunday was the big day.... Mr 11's confirmation at St Patrick's Cathedral. He had to be there for photos around 1pm, so my sister and I took him in by train, with the rest following later.
I kept reminding myself to let others do things for me, even though I was doing ok, although a bit tired. Tears welled again, thinking those thoughts...would this be one of the last sacraments I see my kids doing? Would I see them get married??? Then try to get my mind back focussed on enjoying each day
We had it sorted so my sick boy and I got to travel back to mum's by car (separate ones). Mum had taken the whole dinner thing on with my sister's lending support.... It was a lovely night... We all ate too much, and laughed lots.
Sick boy's temp was heading downwards, and even though he still had a yucky sounding cough - he refused to stay home on Monday. It was hard as a mum not to wrap him in my cuddles, but I have to avoid illness!!
Monday I took it easy, didn't feel too bad, apart from tiredness. By Tuesday (today) little miss also had a high temp, and stayed home with me. I have felt crap all day, only eaten a banana during the day, when I had to have food with my dexamethasone, and a small serve of dinner... Spent a great deal of my day in the ensuite with diarrhea sorry TMI I know. I stayed in the top lounge, Nat in the back lounge... Both had foxtel, drinks and snoozes...
My bloods are good to go.... And I hope having taken my anti nausea tabs will assist my other issues...hehehe...so tomorrow is chemotherapy day, and after days like today, I realize I'm not faking it...I have just pushed things too hard over the weekend, and this is the result. Think I have avoided the kids sickness... We shall see
Taking it one day at a time

Blood count down!

Yes I kinda knew it was low... had a couple of heavy nose bleeds... and feeling very lethargic the past week... so when  I rang to confirm this week's chemo for Wednesday, I wasn't too surprised to hear she would have to check with my onc to see if I would be able to have it..
The end result was yes... I had it, reduced dosage and the neulasta afterward...well the next day... Quickest trip to the GP ever... in and out in under 10 minutes... with a chat and injection... although Mickles was a bit concerned they should have kept me there longer to check for side effects...
Been very weary... exhausted and bloated with the Taxol... the few days after it my shoulders and body aches like I have done a huge aerobics class...so not doing much of anything.... and certainly not keeping up with my blog... sorry  for anyone interested...LOL

Well... that is about all for my attention span... the bloating in my belly says I need a lie down...

No spelunking for me

Another month and a bit since I posted... I had meant to last week when in for my chemo, but my phone is not getting a good reception there....
I am sooo vague at the moment... I could have sworn I wrote a post since the Phillip Island one... hmmmm
Well I have finished the FAC chemo (4 x intensive 3 weekly doses in the hospital) and tomorrow is my third weekly dose of taxol at the day oncology unit.
I can feel the side effects have changed... there is far less nausea... but still very tired, and because it's weekly there doesn't seem to be much respite...
After the first week on taxol I had endometriosis pain... hadn't had that since starting FAC.. perhaps it's because it is not as strong as the FAC... it seems to have subsided this week... which is good...
I am surrounded by snuffles, and I think my weak immune system must be working overtime... my throat is dry and a bit rough... but apart from the menopausal flushes  I haven't had a temp (fingers crossed)
My blood count is low, and when I rang to check I was good to go tomorrow.... hmmmmm she had to call back, because all of the numbers were lower than they should be....
anyway... we are going ahead, and changing the dose...
speaking of which... this ADD girl (taking me all night to write this post... ughhhh) needs to get organised for an early start tomorrow...and a couple of hours in the day onc centre...

Great weekend. Went down to phillip isla

Great weekend.
Went down to phillip island for a race meeting, GTs and Aussie racing cars. First meet since starting treatment, so there were lots of cuddles, well wishes and questions from my motorsport family. Bit tiring, but in a good part of my cycle. Next chemo is on wednesday. Guess I have pushed myself a bit, having some wound soreness and fading fast now - sunday arvo last event. The kids have had a ball, working go the office with us and jack has been recruited to commentary. Hehehe.

What makes a woman?

I have been pondering this post for quite a few weeks now... as the chemo seems to bash me around a bit... mostly fatigue - not so much nausea after the first week or so... the fog keeps me wandering off track, and wondering how I got where I am... not so much deer in the headlights, which is how I felt at the start of the whole process, but just tired...

I have already wandered off my train of thought....

I guess the question of what makes a woman a woman has been going through my head, losing a breast does that I guess. They had been so much a part of my being.... larger than life, and at times had a life of their own.... now the team has been torn apart... does that make me less of a woman?
During my second meeting with the breast surgeon (wow feels so long ago now) he mentioned the possibility of removing both breasts... as well as ovaries and uterus... hmmmmm... would that take away what it means to be a woman? make me less of a woman?
My hair is now gone.... my lovely mane I thought I was prepared to lose .... feels more surreal and when I look in the mirror... I realise I am indeed sick.

Wandering thoughts again.... wondering if I will ever actually finish this post and make any sense...

Hair, curves, child bearing... do these things alone make us women? There are of course many amazing women who have no curves, have short or no hair, have not had, or chose not to have children... those things don't make them any less women....they are just physical attributes... not what is important inside..

Guess this is just me getting out the thoughts in my head, and trying to make sense... which is what this blog is all about....
Am I still a strong woman... regardless of the physical bits I have, or don't have?? I hope so... like so many other women of all shapes and choices around the world... I hope I can find my strength and get through this challenge... it's easier to put on a brave face and not face the fear factor of the whole thing... but hopefully I can be as strong as my brave face.

Did you know... the ancient amazonian women of legend are believed to have cut off their right breast, in order to improve their archery accuracy... so that puts me in some very strong company.

Things that make a woman..... loving, nurturing, strong, persistent...... and much much more

My children don't take me seriously

My children don't take me seriously when I wear what they call my nachos hat.

waiting to be disconnected after chemo #3

In 2007 I did the world's greatest shave

Thia was two week's regrowth then... full and thick huh!!!

and this is two weeks regrowth now... hmmm yup... I can see the difference... it may not have all fallen out, but it is definitely not growing....

The bedraggled thinning mop had to go -

The bedraggled thinning mop had to go - june 4th

talk about fogged

I can't believe that was the last post I posted... where have the days gone?
I have had many posts going through my head... but am so vague i only think i have posted them...
well here i am back at cabrini... cycle 3 of FAC has been through,and just on the drip now for the overnight stay... bit sleepy.. so I hope this all makes sense...
very distracted too... I should only open one tab... hehehe

My hair has gone.... it was easier to shave it, it was getting so painful... and the kids looked really nervous, as I was starting to look sick with the bedraggled hair look... I will post the pics... it's getting thinner on top... and not at all like the regrowth I had when I shaved it a few years ago...it's rubbing off like a baby's fluff does...

I did get distracted with the pretty new template thingy... hope you like the redecorations... I should have written what I was thinking first... cos my brain is a little fried now...

well... my eyes are suggesting sleepy time... will post the pics later

Knitting knitting

Knitting knitting

Morning after FAC chemo 2

Morning after FAC chemo 2

And just in time the new wig arrives

And just in time the new wig arrives

Starting to fall out by the handfull no

Starting to fall out by the handfull now, guess it won't be long now til it's all gone.

Icky oozy blah

Still think I am looking too healthy to be as sick as I apparently am... my scalp is definitely changing... the short cut is quite comfortable... and looks ok (well scarily I look like Judith Lucy LMAO)... curls hide a ton of sins... hair is still thick and healthy looking, but scalp is itchy and feels very dry... thinking about whipping up an aromatherapy oil mask thingy to soak my head in.

Leaking drain site is ok, after a bit of a panic yesterday with redness and discharge, rush to the surgeon to check, and all is draining nicely, no infection... Love Mic to bits, for his panicking, I guess he is feeling so helpless he wants to makes sure everything goes ok... so when there was the hint of redness around the wound, although I had no temp, he wanted me to get it checked... All the panic was because I have started chemo and the big warnings about being wary about developing any infections. My body must still be in control of itself pretty well, and although the surgeon agreed there were going to be lurgies in the drain site, I have been able to fend them off... go me. :)

Lost more weight... got on the wiifit this morning... did some yoga and stretches, wonder if that is assisting the ooze, freeing everything up anyway. Will have to get onto that more often. Wonder what other exercises have help people????

Taste wise is not too bad today... haven't even had any fruit tingles...but the cordial is going well... although flushing so much water through my system catches up at night...grrrr, at least it was only once last night.
Off to get the kids... I think they are loving that bit, that Mum gets to pick them up most days, pretty early - leaving them in after school care, trying to not disrupt their lives too much, and it means if I am not up to getting them Mic can get them a bit later, so not tied in.

what a week

What a week of total physical and emotional turmoil...
The getting the chemo part was not too bad, apart from the nurse yelling at me to relax... sheesh... like that will work... she was trying to use the vein which was recently used for the axilla clearance surgery... and the anesthetist was not too gentle on that one so she couldn't get it in... gave up and went for another vein....and I ended up feeling dripping down the end of my finger... Yeah I bled all over the floor. What a comedy of errors.... hope I don't get her again... I was nervous enough as it was, and she did not add to it. I think that is one of the reasons I was so giggly on the forums etc... it was still all very surreal, and the anti nausea stuff was working nicely.
I was so comfortable, when Mum picked me up from the hospital we headed over to Chaddy for a coffee. I kept up my medication, and was using fruit tingles to the max - they rock for keeping the nausea at bay.
The rest of the week was a whirl. weary, ct and bone scan on Friday. Weary.... too weary to even look at blogs or forums...
Icky metallic blood taste in my mouth and nose...
Went into the city for a geocaching flash mob on saturday morning... thought I was feeling ok... guess I figured out my limits and spent most of sunday in and out of snoozing on the couch.
Oh My sister came over on Saturday to chop my locks... I needed to do something before it falls out.
The drain site is still uncomfortable... been good with checking temps... no issues there... very weary.... bit headachy...
Made it down to get my weekly blood test today... and about to get the kids... then a snooze..
Haven't had any nausea drug for the past 2 days... apart from fruit tingles... and finally back on a regular track (hehehe)
Still feeling very vague... and very weary..... more later

Chemo round 1

Well so far so good. Had a few bleagh feelings and a bit teary in the middle of the night. Hope the drip comes out shortly and I can get in the shower and head home. Bit headachey but I have been reading without specs. Will add more when am on comp not phone

The Road to healing

Well... ya know I was feeling no pain, feeling fit and healthy and happy until they started to "fix" my cancer... and tomorrow we take the very scary step...the next step in healing, which will make me feel bleagh... Chemo.

Ahhh well first things first... my babies were wonderful to me over the weekend, particularly Sunday - Mother's day. Pity I was in so much pain. I think I knocked the drain bottle sutures, and I know one of my babies accidentally sat on it, pulling it again... so panadol wasn't doing it for me over the weekend.... and then Mic suggested I should cut down on the 4 hourly panadol... hmmmm easy for him to say huh.
I tried... and I cried... and it hurt... and I was miserable...I was tired, but I got out for a walk on Sunday... don't know if that made the owie worse...
I was getting the drain out Monday morning, so no point getting all drastic Sunday night.... Couldn't even stay up to watch Webber win in Spain...but that meant my back was over lying flat by 5.30am

Follow up appt with the surgeon to remove the drain went well... got my doctor's certificate..."when do I want to go back to work... hmmm I dunno"   and he discussed all the tricky bits...
Did the kids know... the nicest kids can go feral
Sex... take time, and intimacy will return... talk, and love and laugh...
Family and work stuff
Wigs... I will be bald pretty soon. etc etc etc
Brilliant... once the drain was taken out (Mic said it was in about 20cm... OMG, no wonder I couldn't move my arm) I had instant relief... still muscular aches around the shoulder from the axillary clearance, but no sharp pain any more... that alone put a spring in my step, the sun was shining....and off to the imaging place to get the gated blood pool scan.
Had a lovely guy, doing the blood taking... he was sooooo gentle, and would be doing the CT and Bone scan on Friday too. Did not feel a thing, he put in a bung thingy in my arm - gave me something, I had to wait half an hour, then he took my blood and added the radioactive stuff to it... had to wait another 15 minutes until he reinjected my live blood, and put me under the big camera to take pics of how it was travelling to my heart. This test is to see how much the chemo affects my heart... what fun.

Reading some blogs of cancer fighters.... the hair thing comes to mind... of course mine is looking fab at the moment..
Hair

but they reckon with this cancer I will lose it within a week... well... I have had a shaved head before.... time to break out the clippers before the drains get totally clogged up with my mop. I offered to let the kids cut it - how often would kids get that opportunity (well I read that on one of the inspirational blogs I have been reading) but they looked at me a bit confused.
We shall get there.....  and now, for a night's sleep without a drain to piss me off or hurt.... yay
Ohhh and have cut back on panadol already. Did some Pilates moves... thinking about getting some stuff to keep me regular... hospital seems to clog me up.

Field of Women at the MCG

Last night's MCG experience was exhausting and emotional...
I tried to hold back the tears, yet again, because I knew it would make it harder for Mic and Kirsty....but they flowed....
met up with survivors... and felt supported that I would not be walking this path alone...

Beautiful day today... went shopping with Mic... still getting tired really quickly. Will go for a walk this arvo... maybe set a geocache or two if I can organise it.

FoW 2010

FoW 2010

Field of women 2010

Field of women 2010

Over this

ughhhhh... how can I get a headache when I am taking panadol every 4 hours? and although it's lovely that people care about me... I just really need a day to myself to get this stuff together in my head - and clearly today is not the day.
Saw the medical oncologist yesterday , he seems really nice, but then the whole visit is a bit of a blur, much like the past 5 weeks have been. I had blood tests and am booked in for my first intensive chemo round next tuesday - staying overnight in hospital... that works, they have the good medicine.
I also have to make appointments for more scans and tests... I did wonder when they were coming - how far has this shit spread through my system???... I know I have other areas I would have been less surprised to find had cancer than my breast. I can't decipher the doctors scan request - ho hum - so I need to pop in (as I have no fax) to make the appointment... hopefully for Monday, they seemed to believe that was possible, and that I would be there most of the day - joy oh joy. At least I get my drain out in the morning... 9.00am, the kids will be happy with that :)
Can't rant for too long right now... the kids have a family week mass, and how cool we can actually make it, although Jack was concerned about my drain bottle, and that it should be well hidden, so no one could see it...Have that covered...
The we are off to the field of women at the MCG, and I will post some pics from there...
better get organised for today.

Axilla clearance

It's done. Feels more like deep muscle pain rather than surgery incision pain. The meds are doing their job. I notice the pain most when I do the creeping up the wall exercises. Looking forward to going home tomorrow and getting on the road to recovery. I know there will be lots of bumps, but I am feeling strong. And I have a brilliant support network.
The steristrips are off the mastectomy wound now. It looks amazingly good. Just have a waterproof pad over the part which was reopened to remove the rest of the lymph nodes. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Hmmm
It was nice not having the compression pads on my legs after this surgery, however, I have noticed the veins go my left leg popping out a bit. This is my reconstructed knee, the anesthetist from the mastectomy surgery was concerned about that clotting. It may have been because it was a more 'bloody' surgery than the axillary clearance. So keeping them raised. Will go for a walk with the kids later when they come to visit.
I am feeling calm and relaxed, I know I am in good hands, and need to keep my mind positive.
Got some booklets on wigs, chemo and radiotherapy. Can have some fun with the wigs.
For anyone reading this starting this journey (do you like how I am am expert after a month!) Get an iPod touch or he you have am iphone, there are some brilliant apps and Podcasts. I slept so well last night with the iRelax app. I plan to use this in chemo too. The guided meditation podcasts are brilliant for getting in to the right mental level for sleep.
Looking forward to seeing my babies later tonight. Mmmm dinner is here.

It's starting to sink in

I have cancer.... still apart from the pain from the surgery, do I feel any different to when I didn't know I had cancer... not really... although maybe it explains my lethargy (or maybe I am just really lazy...)
Tomorrow I have an axilla clearance, where they will be removing the rest of the lymph nodes (and checking to see how many more have cancer in them I guess). I have given up a bit of my initial finding out whatever I could about what is happening to me.... until my darling boy and my medical friend were filling me in on the lifelong changes which will occur after this surgery - easy to get infected, as there will be no lymph system to cleanse the blood... so tried to have another read up about it.... just trying not to scare Michael, but clearly he is reading up and already scared.... as am I.
Far out... it's my right arm... I can't imagine keeping it pristine and unscathed for the rest of my life... not getting scratches gardening, sewing, geocaching...(digging in the bush) that will take a lot of getting used to.
Surgery is early afternoon...going in the same incision as the mastectomy.... but drains will be in for a week.... yay - not... means I get to have drain tubes and bottles for the Field of Women on Friday.
scared....want to cry but can't...I don't feel brave I feel quite numb...
I posted the pictures of the lovely flowers I have been sent...looking for the beauty in life... the smiles on my kids faces... their hugs and love..
tomorrow will just be a glitch when I look back on it from the future

So much beauty in the world

So much beauty in the world

Bugger

well... ya know.... Mr R was warning me from day one, that the sheer size of the mass meant the likelyhood that some DCIS had escaped to become invasive breast cancer was very likely, particularly as I had noticed the right breast was, well... looking at it now, two cup sizes bigger than the left...
And so yesterday I put off the phone call.... had a lovely long shower.. was very happy there was little ooze on the gauze pad which was over the drain hole...and was feeling really quite fit and healthy... so what... there was no longer the awesome cleavage... but there was me...and hey... doctors have been known to be wrong... I feel and have been feeling really healthy, really strong... all of the DCIS must have been cut out... and he would be happy to tell me that... no sign in the sentinel node... all good... think about reconstruction...after all what are the physical signs of cancer??? high temp? feeling sick??? had none of them... I am sure I'll be right.
Better make that phone call... just to confirm...
crap...
"I have some not good news Suzanne" that's not what I wanted to hear... I tried to write down what was said... as it went into t bit of a blur...he was full of empathy, and the report had just come in... so he was deciphering it as we went...will get the full run down at Friday's appt (now moved to the Berwick rooms at 11am)
- as well as the DCIS in the breast tissue there were several invasive tumours ranging in size from 18mm down to 2mm.
- Tumour cells were found in the lymph nodes removed
- rest of the lymph nodes will need to be removed
- once the wounds are healed -> Chemo, Hormone and radiation therapy to get rid of this shit in my system (think I may have to put a mature content label on this blog with my swearing..whoops)
crap crap crap.....
but weirdly I felt ok... I was still feeling strong... fit and healthy... I can beat this... and I will

Talked to a friend last night... Lauren... who was the first person I shared this blog with... being a nurse, she wanted to see the pics... don't know if she read any of it... but it's cool...
Last night it started to sink in, and although I was massively tired... I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.... today... feeling less fit and a bit blobby... more teary.
It's affecting my wonderful big boy... who is refusing to take his grumpines out on me, so the kids get growled at... which makes me sad... but what can you do?? He has people to talk to... I am trying to protect him from what I am really feeling by letting it out here rather than to him...and putting on that strong brave face... although he knows it's a mask, as I go all kinda quiet... not like me at all... well if I open my mouth everything I'm thinking will spew out, best to keep it inside for now, and let it spew out through my fingers here.
The kids were great - I told the boys as we were playing halo, and we made light of shooting all the cancer cells and blowing them to bits...Jack was straight onto it..."but mum, I thought they cut it all out?" yep... gotta get those rascally ones that escaped. Nat once again was quiet - told her when she came back from dance. Lots of cuddles.

Tired today.... gotta go and do stuff, move around, try and shift some weight, get fitter to fight this fight... I'm tough and stubborn... and don't give up easy...which is probably good.

This time the first people I told were the best friends.. Kate, who has her own cancer issues to deal with, is already volunteering to sit with me through the chemo... she has already gone through that herself... you really find out the depth of friendship... I feel sooo bad, because I hate hospitals, and will do anything to avoid them... I knew Kate had a great support network (mate a family full of nurses) I took the cowards way out... although, as I was bursting into tears everytime I thought about her it was a good thing... I wouldn't have been able to be the strong person I am now... and will be in the future for her...

well... got to go and find some clothes that will be easier to wear after the next surgery... flanny shirts are in this winter aren't they? LOL. I need button up fronts, as even now the t-shirts are shitting me...
LMAO, and I am the clothing designer... hmmm something for me to do when I have the house to myself :) and recovering.

Yay... my little sisters are coming to visit this evening... we work on the same laugh therapy stuff together...Tink is down from Queensland - no not for me, this was already planned... hehehe

45 minutes or so

til I find out where my journey will be heading....
nervous ??? much... hell yeah
waiting on the pathology report for the sentinel node to see how far the cancer has ...or hasn't... travelled

On a brighter note... got home from hospital yesterday, and managed to put my fake prosthesis in my bra... it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be... although I will have to do a bit of bra reworking... to get rid of the underwires from the left side, they dig in to the fresh wound a little.

Have our tickets for Field of women at the MCG next week - Kirsty and Mic will be there with me... will have to make sure I bring a lot of tissues.

Still here

Still waiting for the drain to be removed so I can go home.
Very annoying to have an itchy nipple and nothing to scratch. Low pain, unless I move, them there is a bit of tugging on the steristrips. Ouchie tummy just got jabbed again. Anti clotting stuff yay. Just waiting on breaky. Went down to the chapel yesterday, prayer can't hurt. Mic will be marshalling the kiddies. Ah I must send my eldest child a msg of love. Cheeky bugger he is. Well I find out the next stage tomorrow, wednesday. We shall see.

And after

And after

Before and after

Before and after

It's done

How do I put go to words how I feel? Numb still. Surgery was on friday morning now it's sunday night, and finally I can let some tears flow. Been strong, but now I am alone and can let some of my grief out. Surgery went well even though I tried to bribe the bed pusher to go to the pub instead. I nearly lost it in the surgery waiting area, but had to stay strong for my boy, couldn't let him know how scared I was. The post op drugs were good, felt very little pain. Slept most of friday, and mic was there every time I opened my eyes. The kids came in, hope I didn't scare them too much. Saturday was shower, finally some food, see surgeon - he is happy with his work and gives me arm raising exercises. Them visitors mum, nat and mic followed by Shaun and mel, them kate, them santa Chelle and sam. The day flew and I was exhausted. Today, ANZAC day was slower, got to read some. They took out one of the two drainage tubes hope it settles down. Now it's late and sleep won't come, tears however do too easily. Pain killers are not doing their job. Hope this posts ok.

Goodbye to a lovely pair

Goodbye to a lovely pair

Clench your buttocks it's going to be a bumpy ride

It has taken be a couple of days to compute what is now going to happen tomorrow. Just finished my last glass of water... about to start my fast. Surgery tomorrow to remove my right breast. Total mastectomy... harsh, even though the surgeon has discussed this from the start. He discussed it with an oncologist, who advised, as there was no evidence (apart from gut instinct and his experience) he should not do the chemo first. So the breast and sentinel node will be removed tomorrow - Friday 23rd April, just over 3 weeks from when I got the initial diagnosis.
I am scared... shit scared
This afternoon I was injected with radioactive material and dye to track and locate the sentinel node. I was then put on a machine for an hour or so, to trace it's path, and have the location drawn on my underarm... oh joy

Have spent most of last night and today setting up a facebook group for the girls... a few tears a few chuckles..

Telling a couple of my besties was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, so I chickened out and sent a text message. Kate has survived her own cancer battle, I didn't want to put this on her... but I needed them both, but I know if I talk to either of them my hard shell will crack, and brave suzi will melt and tears will flow, and I am scared they won't ever stop.

10 minutes til the fast begins...then 7 hours til I need to be at the hospital, then an hour til surgery...so in around 9 hours it will all be over..
Is there anything I could have done to prevent this?
I am being very very strong, for Michael, and Mum and the kids... but it is really hard. I am feeling empty, drained, hollow and did I mention scared.

I have my bags backed, and ready to go...
Fasting has started....
guess I'll see you on the flip side... I am feeling very light headed

Take a deep breath

Have I mentioned the waiting to know what the next step is is killing me.... as well as being in some pain since the biopsy.
Told friends at the races, some still have not been told, not the right time...
The races were fun... bit tired and sore by the end of Sunday...
Back to work today....at least it made the day go quicklyish...
A little over when people don't get the hint when I saay I'm ok, to piss off and leave me alone... had one colleague go on and on and on...
Him: "so, what's next?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
Him: "so when will you be off work?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
Him: "just curious, what is the next step for you?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
In the end I had to walk out... sheesh
well it's getting toward midnight so less that 12 hours til we find out... Mic seems to have settled... He had today off and got stuff done in the backyard.
we shall see what the next stage is soon... Have I mentioned I am a little apprehensive. Over nothing happening. nervous about what the treatement regime will be.... and now my f'n keys are falling off my keyboard

Waiting waiting

Ho hum the wait is driving me insane. This is the only place I can think my mind out loud.
My right side has been really sore, taking panadol , can't say anything as mic is loosing himself in his own depression.
People at my campus know, the grapevine works quickly. Already over the constant "how are you - really?" but they don't really want to know, well there are a few genuine ones.
All of my classes have now been told, the vcal group were great, all of the kids were.
Today I went to do the elearning thing at the junior campuses. Told a couple of friends, funny the reaction and differences from different people. I mean from leadership team. Chris was lovely and his caring words were clearly heartfelt. Cathy has been awesome having been through it herself.

Trying to make time fly by going down to the island over the weekend for the Vic state round... wary and weary... the kids are excited.... better go get that mask on

Staying Strong

shit shit shit....
OK... now I have to act strong for everyone.... can't show pain... can't let anyone know how scared I am... or they are going to crumble around me.
biopsy area on the right is a bit painful, means I am protecting it, and not lifting etc, to the incision mark doesn't tear. Because I also had a long needle biopsy in the left breast am supposed to take that one easy too...
now mickles chooses to lose the plot and get shitty with the kids.
Staying strong for Mum, so I don't make her cry, staying strong for my sisters and brother, staying strong for the kids, because they will make me cry, now staying strong for Mic.... the BCNA handbook says to take time to cry and let it out, don't always have to be strong, but I think it's easier for me, as the passenger, to be strong, and hopefully help those around me to be strong.
hehehe Kirsty (sister) is getting there... having some comic banter helps - where do I find ice packs big enough to cover my breasts???? a chest freezer... LMAO ... as see described it champagne comedy... will have to keep working on those lines. The world needs more comedy... less pain

and the ride slowly starts

don't know that I want it to start, but if it means it will be over soon let's get this party started.... and yet it means there will be pain and tears and much scariness...
I think it is starting to hit Mic... he was very grumpy with the kids tonight... for little things...
well.. the conference went really well, a bit tiring, but fun and kept my mind busy...
The hardest bit was telling the kids and mum and my brother and sisters... Mum took it really hard... bro was quite shaken, one sister was all tears, and the interstate sister and I were giggling on the phone.
The kids seemed to take it really well... funny I only have to ask them once now ;)to do things. Lots of cuddles, and Nat was giggling (ahhhh I see the nervous giggling didn't fall far from the tree.)
I should become an actress... the performances I am putting on are brilliant... trying to stay positive while people around me break into tears and crumble is really hard. Makes me feel awful about how I was always in tears when I spoke to Kate on the phone when she was dealing with her cancer...(and survived) I am glad I didn't go over, I would not have been very strong for her...and she is the one I really don't know how to tell...
Have told a few friends, face to face, and email... can't phone I will crack, gotta stay strong, there are so many cracking around me...it's easier.... academy award here I come.

Went back to work after the term break yesterday.... hmmm and after finding out the boss's wife is being treated for liver cancer... so poor Suzanne who is acting campus prin had to deal with me telling her my news... I wasn't sure how to tell the kids, but had to tell them something...
telling people made it really start to feel more real, told the people I needed to, and those who are close on the leadership team, and in the domain. It's going to be tough when people start offering condolences, to try and keep strong and put on the brave face.

Today was biopsy day, I investigated a bit about what would happen... and then I felt sick, was going to be painful, well big needles ick.
They had to look at some areas of concern on the left one before doing a stereo core biopsy on the right one.
Did the mammo on the left, then off to the next area, signed consent, consulted with the radiographer who would do the injecting.
It was like being on a car lift.... hehehe lay on the table with boob through the hole, table goes up, pictures taken, then when all set in comes the radiographer - two sets of anesthetic, then a core drilled into the ducts, guided by the pics taken and the computer analysis. Was a bit icky even with the anesthetic, not painful so much, more uncomfortable, and lying there for ages while they x-rayed the cells.
I ended up having the left breast biopsied on the same table, rather than with the ultrasound, as the mass could not be found with the ultrasound, even though it was clear on the mammo, and I was now able to feel it with all the poking and prodding. It was a different process, sounded like an ear piercing gun - anesthetic again, had my ipod in and was busy relaxing.
It was interesting, they kept trying to reassure me, that nothing was certain until the pathology came back - hehehe makes it easier for them not to tell patients the truth... during the second biopsy I mentioned the surgeon had already discussed mastectomy - then she let go, and basically stopped the whole, we don;t know til it comes back from pathology story.... yeah - it's cancer arghhhh

it's starting to be real and scary now.... Mic is crumbling a bit, of course today I really can't do much, not allowed to lift in case the incision splits open... the right is much more painful than the left, right up into my shoulder :(... guess it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Next step - Tuesday back at the surgeon... but before that, the rest of the school week - phew, got out an enews to staff today - races at Phillip Island on the weekend, and getting my classes organised so as to give them the best shot at the year.

Ahhh but the garden is looking ace

The girls at work.

The girls at work.

Keeping busy

OK... with the news we have time to plan and get the treatment right I am able to go to the ACEC2010 conference. Phew... I was stressing as it was an expensive conference, and I didn't want it to go to waste, and I was presenting...
well I can keep busy by being there for the next few days. Keeping my mind active. I told a couple of people who I knew at the conference.... will have to try harder to keep it to myself... not something people want to hear, although it was nice to get it out....
Feeling a bit tired and run down, don't know if that is the illness or lack of sleep from tossing and turning. Emotional roller coaster it is.
The two little ones are having sleep overs, and Will is loving being at home without little brother and sister to interfere. I am wondering if he has twigged... I know Nat has been super smoochy... I am dreading telling them... I really don't know what the future will bring, but I plan to make sure I keep positive about it.
I have been using some aromatherapy oils, which seem to be helping keep me strong. I have started taking some strong anti oxidants to boost my immune system.
Got my My Journey Kit from the breast cancer Network Australia - a journal/diary/planner, resources, magazine, and early breast cancer book. Ahh some train reading...LOL
Well... rest now, early start tomorrow... put on a smiley face :)

A long long weekend

having to wait is a pain....
2/4/10: I just wish it was all a really bad april fool's day joke, but alas, woke up this morning, and nothing has changed.... well except for feeling really sick, and bursting into tears when I hug my kids.
Easter long weekend was harsh... only Mic and I knew... why should we share the pain, when we didn't know the full extent of the situation...so we kept busy... did some geocaching, and a lot of the pool surrounds, moving dirt and rock and planting...
Sunday the family day was at our place, Mic was amazed at the awesome acting I was doing, only nearly lost it when they were talking about my sis in law's mum who was being treated for bowel cancer.... and that got me, I had to go do something in another room... we went for a walk to the park with the kids - set a new cache.
Monday more gardening and some caching in the afternoon.
The appointment with the surgeon was Tuesday 9.45am. Parking was a pain, but got there eventually. Mr R went over the situation. He did an ultrasound, then went over the mammogram images. Yes there was a lot of ductal cancer in situ (DCIS) in the right breast - so much so he was not sure it would be just contained within the ducts, it may have spread (do these people really just like to do the whole worst case scenario thing???) There were also some unreported areas of concern in the left breast. The most likely outcome was going to be a mastectomy, but before that I would probably have chemotherapy to try and kill as much of the cancer off before the surgery. I just want it out.... but reading, they say to take your time....
Next step - another more indepth mammogram, with biopsies to be taken, hopefully showing the extent of the cancer throughout the breast... will be a local anesthetic and lying down on a table with my boobs hanging through it.... classy hey. That is next Tuesday.... ughhh have to tell the boss next week... and the kids on Friday - didn't want to ruin their holidays...

It's April 1, maybe this is a joke

I had my first ever mammogram on Tuesday morning, wasn't too uncomfortable, lovely people, very chatty - then I had to go for the ultrasound as well... she pointed out a cyst, cool. I figured that would be ok... loads of people have cysts... I have big boobs, and they are hard to scan, have always been a bit lumpy.
I had a pap smear last week... last one was dodgy, but no biggy... I did expect the same, if not worse, as I was over a year over due... doh. When I had the mammogram I also had a pelvic ultrasound, as a screen as there is ovarian cancer in the family. Results would be to my GP by Thursday.
Clearly I had a week off, and was doing the grease and oils checks...
Well... while we were at the radiology there was a missed call from my GP - I figured.... ick... dodgy pap smear result... at best same as last time, at worst cervical cancer...
The GP had left when I returned the call, so I made the appointment for today. I was a bit apprehensive, thinking it was the pap smear that caused her to ring me, never thinking what the real truth was.
When I went in to see her today, as usual, had to wait half an hour before going in... par for the course.
Walked in, and she was straight to it, wondered if they had said anything at the radiology, I said with the ultrasound they had shown me a cyst, and I was ok with that. But there was more... two envelopes on the table for me...she had "taken the liberty" of booking an appointment with a specialist which is the next step. I was still thinking cyst, and suprised it was all so quick, and then she was discussing oncologists, and that they specialist had probably already contacted them. Did I "have private health insurance?" "Yes" "Good" because things would probably happen quickly.
But I asked, it might not be..."c"... she said she was going to be straight up... it was breast cancer.
Shit...
Later on I thought... hmmm April 1, this would be a sick joke.
Still a bit numb, but wanting to record this... journey

Michael is wonderful... he left work early and has taken Tuesday off to take me to the specialist. After finally getting out of the surgery - "computers said no" and bursting into tears at the counter.."no I'm not alright - yes I can drive home"... got home... confirmed my appointment...and now I guess it's auto pilot...
Happy Easter.
Time to get fit later - tonight I need a drink