Triggers

Last Friday my rock had a melt down.... I felt like every time I spoke to him he was snippy...

It was my first morning off and I slept til 10am. The kids also had a curriculum day...and somehow I ended up driving them all over the place before heading to work...then picking them up on the way home....we were home by 6pm...on the drive home had a call from Michael, he was not happy that I was not resting, but rather driving not only our kids but their friends around.

We got home only to find no one home... Sent Michael a couple of messages, and tried to call, nothing. So I turned off my phone to charge it. And as I didn't want to get into an argument.

He had gone for a walk... To escape... He was sad...

- it was daffodil day

- he came home to an empty house

- is this what it would be like when I am gone

- he was very sad

- had no one but me to talk to about it

- fucking cancer

- I am going to die before him

- cancer in his face wherever he turns...

We talked..cried... . I can't believe how strong I was, I barely cried ... I was trying to be strong for him.

And the weekend was better...

Today is a new week.... Things were plodding along...had to go to a meeting at the end of the day...bleagh...so tired for meetings

And then, during my year 12 class I get a message about one of my students... She is a little mouse, so fragile...and tonight she is being told by her parents that they are both incredibly sick, and her father may be terminal...OMG... All I could think about after that was the poor kid...why are they saying anything now, she doesn't have long to go to finish school...

So clearly that was a trigger for me getting angry and grumpy at the meeting... I held my tongue as long as I could... But then I had to call a couple of people to task...sure I could have been more tactful...but I was brutally honest...pulled no punches... 

Yep, tired and having triggers pushed... I was a 2 year old throwing a tantrum...

Not professional... Whoops... 

But sometimes I just want to throw a massive tantrum and scream how unfair it is... My career has been taken away from me, my family is going to lose me, and I am sad and angry... I have so much more of my story to tell...

It all hurts....arghhh

And then I feel so sad for my young student who could be losing both parents...

I couldn't talk to Michael about it.... I was waiting for him to ask...he didn't... I don't want to burden him, he has enough on his plate... Making sure he is strong and healthy enough to be there for our kids.

Michael is planning to see the GP for a referral... I hope he does...he needs to talk to someone...

Next stage. In this journey

I guess it has been with trepidation that I have started to think about reducing the hours I work. Deep down I knew I had to, as I have been so very tired...but in my mind that meant I was giving in to f'n cancer by changing my hours, and working part time. As a teacher I hate taking days off, as it affects my students, this is something only other teachers truly understand.

So after getting a run around trying to find out what my options were in regards to mot losing money, but reducing hours, I finally set up a meeting with my union rep. Over these weeks I have been running a range of possible scenarios through in my head, how will it best work. What I came up with was working part time, but taking a day a week in sick leave...would it work? Could it work? I have 70 days sick leave up my sleeve...if I was to stop work now, they would be lost... If I was to reduce hours now it would affect my superannuation payout when I do decide to finish....

Union guy says yes...it is very do-able ... So I went straight on to the timetabler, so he can factor that in for term 4... Next time I see my oncologist I will get a certificate...and we will work it out.

I have also worked out what is making me so sleepy... Lyrica, which is used for nerve pain... I sending me to sleep... So not using it in the day...scary having micro sleeps as I drive home...

So very pleased to have a plan of attack...

And now to sleep...perchance to dream

Friday

Ahh the weekend... I made it.... There were times this week I did wonder.... Nearly falling asleep driving home is not good...so very weary. I stopped wearing the fentanyl patch last week, and figured I could live with the pain if I wasn't so tired.... It didn't seem to make much difference.... I seem to go through waves of tiredness to extreme tiredness.... I even started to fall asleep at the theatre last week... It was hard work to stay awake...and I wanted to stay awake, the production of Wicked was wonderful... Made better being there with a few of my favourite people...

So...the pain killers have made it more tricky to get the "movement" balance right...it seems to go from one extreme...where I put on a kilo each day... To the other, where I can't be far from a toilet...arghhhh. But the weight loss is slower....I try to get through the tiredness to get out on the walks in the evening, which should help... But not as often as I would like....

Sadly another of the support group passed away this week...this disease is seriously fucked up... She wasn't even 40. So many of the women are in their 30s with young children... Arghhhh.

I am getting to the point where I have to think about the next step...changing the hours I work...still full time...but it is getting hard, I am tired and grumpy, I get home and fall asleep....I rely on Michael to do most of the cooking  and cleaning.... I am so whacked...

Time for those decisions later...next term...after the year 12s finish...yes I keep putting it off...if I do something, cut back on hours, it means I admit I'm sick, and I am not going to get better.... But then how do I want to spend my last years? Working for the man with all his stresses, or creating beautiful memories for my children friends and family?

This weekend sees some memories about to be created with my wonderful sister down in Melbourne, and the family getting together....

Patch is on....

The tough decisions can wait, at least for this weekend.

Rest in peace angels.