Sinking in

I am feeling remarkably calm...angry that I have been dealt this hand, and teary when I think about not being there for my beautiful children at their events down the track...weddings, babies...but then hmmm calm, just getting on with it to ensure my story has a few more chapters.
Sitting in Melbourne,'s magnificent autumn sunshine makes everything fade away, and not real...I guess it will sink in more, when I see the onc in a week.

Woman on a mission

So much to do.....unknown but limited time....
Last year I had to clean up my dad's place after he passed away... There was so much stuff... He could have sorted before he went... He had melanoma....but had over two years....knowing he was on a limited timeframe.... I don't want to leave my mess...and I am not a tidy person...for my loved ones...
So am starting wiht my wardrobe....being totally ruthless...hahaha...if it is not perfect, doesn't fit out it goes...
Yesterday I had a beer or many....first drink since I was told...pretty happy about that..as I need a clear head to get through this...but it was a good day to talk openly and frankly with Michael... His head is spinning just as much...worrying about being left with 3 kids, and his own grief of losing a soulmate...my bit is easy...I just go to sleep...he has to pick up the pieces. So I need to make it as easy for him as I can... He is my rock!

Woman on a Mission

It’s time for me to make a move

And I know what i gotta do

Coz I got everything to prove

I got a plan I’m sticking to

…

The word is that I’m over doubt

But I don’t let it get me down

I ain’t nobody’s push around

If they could only see me now

There’s only one thing on my mind

And I'm running out of time

I'm coming through so get out of the way

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Nothing can stop me, I’m stronger than ever

I wanna see this through

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Whatever it takes I will do what I gotta do

I'm gonna lay it on the line

I won't give up without a fight

Coz I can see the finish line

Won't stop till I make you mine

To read the writing on the wall 

I'm ready here and standing tall

So people think they know it all

So I guess I'll have to show them all

There’s only one thing on my mind

And I'm running out of time

I'm coming through so get out of the way

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Nothing can stop me, I’m stronger than ever

I wanna see this through

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Whatever it takes I will do what I gotta do

There’s only one thing on my mind

And I'm running out of time

I'm coming through so get out of the way

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Nothing can stop me, I’m stronger than ever

I wanna see this through

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Whatever it takes I will do what I gotta do

I'm gonna lay it on the line

I won't give up without a fight

Coz I can see the finish line

Won't stop till I make you mine

To read the writing on the wall 

I'm ready here and standing tall

So people think they know it all

So I guess I'll have to show them all

There’s only one thing on my mind

And I'm running out of time

I'm coming through so get out of the way

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Nothing can stop me, I’m stronger than ever

I wanna see this through

I am a woman on a mission, woah

Whatever it takes I will do what I gotta do

Bugger

 I did just want 2010 to just go away and be a bad dream memory
2011 was incredibly tiring... the long drive, playing pick up where I left off... running senior classes and having a leadership position...crazy... but I worked through it... working full time...
2012... energy levels slowly increased, started zumba and then pilates again and weights and cardio express session... and later in the year Bikram yoga (the hot one... I love it).Starting to feel fitter and healthier... more energy... tired and sore, which I put down to the amount of exercise... Did the Pink Triathlon in 2012 and 2013... as well as the Mothers Day Classic in 2012...
Had a new boss... gave me hell....arghhhh tried to leave but couldn't find anything...
Other things were going well... then I had my six monthly blood test...and Onc check... hmmmm tumour markers are up... any pains? Well... whole body aches... but I put that down to Tamoxifen and exercise. So off for a CT scan, chest and abdo... all good. Pelvic ultrasound... all good...colonoscopy (overdue) removed a polyp, but all good.... apparently I am an enigma... the bloods keep showing raised markers...
Had my mammogram in April 2013... and mentioned the raised t-markers, and that there was some pain in my forearm... so surgeon sent me off for a bone scan. But see if you can hurry it, as I am going away for 2 weeks he says...
Well there started the fun... got into Monash, had the scans... was the same as the bone scan I had in 2010, so thought nothing of it... Get home... message from Radiology... oops forgot to scan the sore arm... can I go to Berwick tomorrow... sure... off I go again... at least there was still enough radiation in my body so I didn't have to do that again..
So scans just of my arms... questions...have I ever had a broken arm... nope...ahh ok... wait outside... next someone else is ushering me in for x-rays... this is where I know what is coming.
The tech hands over the films, and gives me "that" look, and arghhhhh 'wishes me luck'.... I know then before even opening the films what is coming...
well... I missed the Doctor before he left... so have been waiting to find out for 2 weeks... well to confirm what I suspected... and what was causing my t markers to be up.... my self diagnosis from the bone scan was pretty spot on... bone mets...
I knew it would come back, the whole node involvement thing... but I thought I would get more than 2 1/2 years before having to put my big girl panties back on!!!

Funny thing is the pain in my arm, which I finally mentioned to my surgeon at the last mammogram check has been there for a while, but as I have been so active, with muscle soreness from exercise and weights I was ignoring it as just sore muscles... but it's in my forearm, with a couple in my pelvis as well...
Just a bit numb.... as I went off to claim my medicare stuff I was walking through the shopping centre thinking "dead man walking" I know morose sense of humour... but I am not ready for my story to end...I have so much I want to do... I have my 3 babies...(ok 2 of them are now over 6 ft, but still my babies..) I want to be a part of their stories for a long time to come yet.

the black spots on my hands are arthritis...

So...the little black mark that is bone mets, in my right arm.

My arm has had pain... but not so much my pelvis... which is where the other two spots are... haven't mentioned these ones to DH yet...

So.... here we go for round 2... apparently being in the bones is better than in the organs... but I had hoped to have more than 3 years before this shit came back.....

Pulling on the big girl panties... and going to fight this one hard...