Bugger

well... ya know.... Mr R was warning me from day one, that the sheer size of the mass meant the likelyhood that some DCIS had escaped to become invasive breast cancer was very likely, particularly as I had noticed the right breast was, well... looking at it now, two cup sizes bigger than the left...
And so yesterday I put off the phone call.... had a lovely long shower.. was very happy there was little ooze on the gauze pad which was over the drain hole...and was feeling really quite fit and healthy... so what... there was no longer the awesome cleavage... but there was me...and hey... doctors have been known to be wrong... I feel and have been feeling really healthy, really strong... all of the DCIS must have been cut out... and he would be happy to tell me that... no sign in the sentinel node... all good... think about reconstruction...after all what are the physical signs of cancer??? high temp? feeling sick??? had none of them... I am sure I'll be right.
Better make that phone call... just to confirm...
crap...
"I have some not good news Suzanne" that's not what I wanted to hear... I tried to write down what was said... as it went into t bit of a blur...he was full of empathy, and the report had just come in... so he was deciphering it as we went...will get the full run down at Friday's appt (now moved to the Berwick rooms at 11am)
- as well as the DCIS in the breast tissue there were several invasive tumours ranging in size from 18mm down to 2mm.
- Tumour cells were found in the lymph nodes removed
- rest of the lymph nodes will need to be removed
- once the wounds are healed -> Chemo, Hormone and radiation therapy to get rid of this shit in my system (think I may have to put a mature content label on this blog with my swearing..whoops)
crap crap crap.....
but weirdly I felt ok... I was still feeling strong... fit and healthy... I can beat this... and I will

Talked to a friend last night... Lauren... who was the first person I shared this blog with... being a nurse, she wanted to see the pics... don't know if she read any of it... but it's cool...
Last night it started to sink in, and although I was massively tired... I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.... today... feeling less fit and a bit blobby... more teary.
It's affecting my wonderful big boy... who is refusing to take his grumpines out on me, so the kids get growled at... which makes me sad... but what can you do?? He has people to talk to... I am trying to protect him from what I am really feeling by letting it out here rather than to him...and putting on that strong brave face... although he knows it's a mask, as I go all kinda quiet... not like me at all... well if I open my mouth everything I'm thinking will spew out, best to keep it inside for now, and let it spew out through my fingers here.
The kids were great - I told the boys as we were playing halo, and we made light of shooting all the cancer cells and blowing them to bits...Jack was straight onto it..."but mum, I thought they cut it all out?" yep... gotta get those rascally ones that escaped. Nat once again was quiet - told her when she came back from dance. Lots of cuddles.

Tired today.... gotta go and do stuff, move around, try and shift some weight, get fitter to fight this fight... I'm tough and stubborn... and don't give up easy...which is probably good.

This time the first people I told were the best friends.. Kate, who has her own cancer issues to deal with, is already volunteering to sit with me through the chemo... she has already gone through that herself... you really find out the depth of friendship... I feel sooo bad, because I hate hospitals, and will do anything to avoid them... I knew Kate had a great support network (mate a family full of nurses) I took the cowards way out... although, as I was bursting into tears everytime I thought about her it was a good thing... I wouldn't have been able to be the strong person I am now... and will be in the future for her...

well... got to go and find some clothes that will be easier to wear after the next surgery... flanny shirts are in this winter aren't they? LOL. I need button up fronts, as even now the t-shirts are shitting me...
LMAO, and I am the clothing designer... hmmm something for me to do when I have the house to myself :) and recovering.

Yay... my little sisters are coming to visit this evening... we work on the same laugh therapy stuff together...Tink is down from Queensland - no not for me, this was already planned... hehehe

45 minutes or so

til I find out where my journey will be heading....
nervous ??? much... hell yeah
waiting on the pathology report for the sentinel node to see how far the cancer has ...or hasn't... travelled

On a brighter note... got home from hospital yesterday, and managed to put my fake prosthesis in my bra... it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be... although I will have to do a bit of bra reworking... to get rid of the underwires from the left side, they dig in to the fresh wound a little.

Have our tickets for Field of women at the MCG next week - Kirsty and Mic will be there with me... will have to make sure I bring a lot of tissues.

Still here

Still waiting for the drain to be removed so I can go home.
Very annoying to have an itchy nipple and nothing to scratch. Low pain, unless I move, them there is a bit of tugging on the steristrips. Ouchie tummy just got jabbed again. Anti clotting stuff yay. Just waiting on breaky. Went down to the chapel yesterday, prayer can't hurt. Mic will be marshalling the kiddies. Ah I must send my eldest child a msg of love. Cheeky bugger he is. Well I find out the next stage tomorrow, wednesday. We shall see.

And after

And after

Before and after

Before and after

It's done

How do I put go to words how I feel? Numb still. Surgery was on friday morning now it's sunday night, and finally I can let some tears flow. Been strong, but now I am alone and can let some of my grief out. Surgery went well even though I tried to bribe the bed pusher to go to the pub instead. I nearly lost it in the surgery waiting area, but had to stay strong for my boy, couldn't let him know how scared I was. The post op drugs were good, felt very little pain. Slept most of friday, and mic was there every time I opened my eyes. The kids came in, hope I didn't scare them too much. Saturday was shower, finally some food, see surgeon - he is happy with his work and gives me arm raising exercises. Them visitors mum, nat and mic followed by Shaun and mel, them kate, them santa Chelle and sam. The day flew and I was exhausted. Today, ANZAC day was slower, got to read some. They took out one of the two drainage tubes hope it settles down. Now it's late and sleep won't come, tears however do too easily. Pain killers are not doing their job. Hope this posts ok.

Goodbye to a lovely pair

Goodbye to a lovely pair

Clench your buttocks it's going to be a bumpy ride

It has taken be a couple of days to compute what is now going to happen tomorrow. Just finished my last glass of water... about to start my fast. Surgery tomorrow to remove my right breast. Total mastectomy... harsh, even though the surgeon has discussed this from the start. He discussed it with an oncologist, who advised, as there was no evidence (apart from gut instinct and his experience) he should not do the chemo first. So the breast and sentinel node will be removed tomorrow - Friday 23rd April, just over 3 weeks from when I got the initial diagnosis.
I am scared... shit scared
This afternoon I was injected with radioactive material and dye to track and locate the sentinel node. I was then put on a machine for an hour or so, to trace it's path, and have the location drawn on my underarm... oh joy

Have spent most of last night and today setting up a facebook group for the girls... a few tears a few chuckles..

Telling a couple of my besties was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, so I chickened out and sent a text message. Kate has survived her own cancer battle, I didn't want to put this on her... but I needed them both, but I know if I talk to either of them my hard shell will crack, and brave suzi will melt and tears will flow, and I am scared they won't ever stop.

10 minutes til the fast begins...then 7 hours til I need to be at the hospital, then an hour til surgery...so in around 9 hours it will all be over..
Is there anything I could have done to prevent this?
I am being very very strong, for Michael, and Mum and the kids... but it is really hard. I am feeling empty, drained, hollow and did I mention scared.

I have my bags backed, and ready to go...
Fasting has started....
guess I'll see you on the flip side... I am feeling very light headed

Take a deep breath

Have I mentioned the waiting to know what the next step is is killing me.... as well as being in some pain since the biopsy.
Told friends at the races, some still have not been told, not the right time...
The races were fun... bit tired and sore by the end of Sunday...
Back to work today....at least it made the day go quicklyish...
A little over when people don't get the hint when I saay I'm ok, to piss off and leave me alone... had one colleague go on and on and on...
Him: "so, what's next?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
Him: "so when will you be off work?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
Him: "just curious, what is the next step for you?"
Me: "dunno, I find out tomorrow"
In the end I had to walk out... sheesh
well it's getting toward midnight so less that 12 hours til we find out... Mic seems to have settled... He had today off and got stuff done in the backyard.
we shall see what the next stage is soon... Have I mentioned I am a little apprehensive. Over nothing happening. nervous about what the treatement regime will be.... and now my f'n keys are falling off my keyboard

Waiting waiting

Ho hum the wait is driving me insane. This is the only place I can think my mind out loud.
My right side has been really sore, taking panadol , can't say anything as mic is loosing himself in his own depression.
People at my campus know, the grapevine works quickly. Already over the constant "how are you - really?" but they don't really want to know, well there are a few genuine ones.
All of my classes have now been told, the vcal group were great, all of the kids were.
Today I went to do the elearning thing at the junior campuses. Told a couple of friends, funny the reaction and differences from different people. I mean from leadership team. Chris was lovely and his caring words were clearly heartfelt. Cathy has been awesome having been through it herself.

Trying to make time fly by going down to the island over the weekend for the Vic state round... wary and weary... the kids are excited.... better go get that mask on

Staying Strong

shit shit shit....
OK... now I have to act strong for everyone.... can't show pain... can't let anyone know how scared I am... or they are going to crumble around me.
biopsy area on the right is a bit painful, means I am protecting it, and not lifting etc, to the incision mark doesn't tear. Because I also had a long needle biopsy in the left breast am supposed to take that one easy too...
now mickles chooses to lose the plot and get shitty with the kids.
Staying strong for Mum, so I don't make her cry, staying strong for my sisters and brother, staying strong for the kids, because they will make me cry, now staying strong for Mic.... the BCNA handbook says to take time to cry and let it out, don't always have to be strong, but I think it's easier for me, as the passenger, to be strong, and hopefully help those around me to be strong.
hehehe Kirsty (sister) is getting there... having some comic banter helps - where do I find ice packs big enough to cover my breasts???? a chest freezer... LMAO ... as see described it champagne comedy... will have to keep working on those lines. The world needs more comedy... less pain

and the ride slowly starts

don't know that I want it to start, but if it means it will be over soon let's get this party started.... and yet it means there will be pain and tears and much scariness...
I think it is starting to hit Mic... he was very grumpy with the kids tonight... for little things...
well.. the conference went really well, a bit tiring, but fun and kept my mind busy...
The hardest bit was telling the kids and mum and my brother and sisters... Mum took it really hard... bro was quite shaken, one sister was all tears, and the interstate sister and I were giggling on the phone.
The kids seemed to take it really well... funny I only have to ask them once now ;)to do things. Lots of cuddles, and Nat was giggling (ahhhh I see the nervous giggling didn't fall far from the tree.)
I should become an actress... the performances I am putting on are brilliant... trying to stay positive while people around me break into tears and crumble is really hard. Makes me feel awful about how I was always in tears when I spoke to Kate on the phone when she was dealing with her cancer...(and survived) I am glad I didn't go over, I would not have been very strong for her...and she is the one I really don't know how to tell...
Have told a few friends, face to face, and email... can't phone I will crack, gotta stay strong, there are so many cracking around me...it's easier.... academy award here I come.

Went back to work after the term break yesterday.... hmmm and after finding out the boss's wife is being treated for liver cancer... so poor Suzanne who is acting campus prin had to deal with me telling her my news... I wasn't sure how to tell the kids, but had to tell them something...
telling people made it really start to feel more real, told the people I needed to, and those who are close on the leadership team, and in the domain. It's going to be tough when people start offering condolences, to try and keep strong and put on the brave face.

Today was biopsy day, I investigated a bit about what would happen... and then I felt sick, was going to be painful, well big needles ick.
They had to look at some areas of concern on the left one before doing a stereo core biopsy on the right one.
Did the mammo on the left, then off to the next area, signed consent, consulted with the radiographer who would do the injecting.
It was like being on a car lift.... hehehe lay on the table with boob through the hole, table goes up, pictures taken, then when all set in comes the radiographer - two sets of anesthetic, then a core drilled into the ducts, guided by the pics taken and the computer analysis. Was a bit icky even with the anesthetic, not painful so much, more uncomfortable, and lying there for ages while they x-rayed the cells.
I ended up having the left breast biopsied on the same table, rather than with the ultrasound, as the mass could not be found with the ultrasound, even though it was clear on the mammo, and I was now able to feel it with all the poking and prodding. It was a different process, sounded like an ear piercing gun - anesthetic again, had my ipod in and was busy relaxing.
It was interesting, they kept trying to reassure me, that nothing was certain until the pathology came back - hehehe makes it easier for them not to tell patients the truth... during the second biopsy I mentioned the surgeon had already discussed mastectomy - then she let go, and basically stopped the whole, we don;t know til it comes back from pathology story.... yeah - it's cancer arghhhh

it's starting to be real and scary now.... Mic is crumbling a bit, of course today I really can't do much, not allowed to lift in case the incision splits open... the right is much more painful than the left, right up into my shoulder :(... guess it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Next step - Tuesday back at the surgeon... but before that, the rest of the school week - phew, got out an enews to staff today - races at Phillip Island on the weekend, and getting my classes organised so as to give them the best shot at the year.

Ahhh but the garden is looking ace

The girls at work.

The girls at work.

Keeping busy

OK... with the news we have time to plan and get the treatment right I am able to go to the ACEC2010 conference. Phew... I was stressing as it was an expensive conference, and I didn't want it to go to waste, and I was presenting...
well I can keep busy by being there for the next few days. Keeping my mind active. I told a couple of people who I knew at the conference.... will have to try harder to keep it to myself... not something people want to hear, although it was nice to get it out....
Feeling a bit tired and run down, don't know if that is the illness or lack of sleep from tossing and turning. Emotional roller coaster it is.
The two little ones are having sleep overs, and Will is loving being at home without little brother and sister to interfere. I am wondering if he has twigged... I know Nat has been super smoochy... I am dreading telling them... I really don't know what the future will bring, but I plan to make sure I keep positive about it.
I have been using some aromatherapy oils, which seem to be helping keep me strong. I have started taking some strong anti oxidants to boost my immune system.
Got my My Journey Kit from the breast cancer Network Australia - a journal/diary/planner, resources, magazine, and early breast cancer book. Ahh some train reading...LOL
Well... rest now, early start tomorrow... put on a smiley face :)

A long long weekend

having to wait is a pain....
2/4/10: I just wish it was all a really bad april fool's day joke, but alas, woke up this morning, and nothing has changed.... well except for feeling really sick, and bursting into tears when I hug my kids.
Easter long weekend was harsh... only Mic and I knew... why should we share the pain, when we didn't know the full extent of the situation...so we kept busy... did some geocaching, and a lot of the pool surrounds, moving dirt and rock and planting...
Sunday the family day was at our place, Mic was amazed at the awesome acting I was doing, only nearly lost it when they were talking about my sis in law's mum who was being treated for bowel cancer.... and that got me, I had to go do something in another room... we went for a walk to the park with the kids - set a new cache.
Monday more gardening and some caching in the afternoon.
The appointment with the surgeon was Tuesday 9.45am. Parking was a pain, but got there eventually. Mr R went over the situation. He did an ultrasound, then went over the mammogram images. Yes there was a lot of ductal cancer in situ (DCIS) in the right breast - so much so he was not sure it would be just contained within the ducts, it may have spread (do these people really just like to do the whole worst case scenario thing???) There were also some unreported areas of concern in the left breast. The most likely outcome was going to be a mastectomy, but before that I would probably have chemotherapy to try and kill as much of the cancer off before the surgery. I just want it out.... but reading, they say to take your time....
Next step - another more indepth mammogram, with biopsies to be taken, hopefully showing the extent of the cancer throughout the breast... will be a local anesthetic and lying down on a table with my boobs hanging through it.... classy hey. That is next Tuesday.... ughhh have to tell the boss next week... and the kids on Friday - didn't want to ruin their holidays...

It's April 1, maybe this is a joke

I had my first ever mammogram on Tuesday morning, wasn't too uncomfortable, lovely people, very chatty - then I had to go for the ultrasound as well... she pointed out a cyst, cool. I figured that would be ok... loads of people have cysts... I have big boobs, and they are hard to scan, have always been a bit lumpy.
I had a pap smear last week... last one was dodgy, but no biggy... I did expect the same, if not worse, as I was over a year over due... doh. When I had the mammogram I also had a pelvic ultrasound, as a screen as there is ovarian cancer in the family. Results would be to my GP by Thursday.
Clearly I had a week off, and was doing the grease and oils checks...
Well... while we were at the radiology there was a missed call from my GP - I figured.... ick... dodgy pap smear result... at best same as last time, at worst cervical cancer...
The GP had left when I returned the call, so I made the appointment for today. I was a bit apprehensive, thinking it was the pap smear that caused her to ring me, never thinking what the real truth was.
When I went in to see her today, as usual, had to wait half an hour before going in... par for the course.
Walked in, and she was straight to it, wondered if they had said anything at the radiology, I said with the ultrasound they had shown me a cyst, and I was ok with that. But there was more... two envelopes on the table for me...she had "taken the liberty" of booking an appointment with a specialist which is the next step. I was still thinking cyst, and suprised it was all so quick, and then she was discussing oncologists, and that they specialist had probably already contacted them. Did I "have private health insurance?" "Yes" "Good" because things would probably happen quickly.
But I asked, it might not be..."c"... she said she was going to be straight up... it was breast cancer.
Shit...
Later on I thought... hmmm April 1, this would be a sick joke.
Still a bit numb, but wanting to record this... journey

Michael is wonderful... he left work early and has taken Tuesday off to take me to the specialist. After finally getting out of the surgery - "computers said no" and bursting into tears at the counter.."no I'm not alright - yes I can drive home"... got home... confirmed my appointment...and now I guess it's auto pilot...
Happy Easter.
Time to get fit later - tonight I need a drink