Bugger

well... ya know.... Mr R was warning me from day one, that the sheer size of the mass meant the likelyhood that some DCIS had escaped to become invasive breast cancer was very likely, particularly as I had noticed the right breast was, well... looking at it now, two cup sizes bigger than the left...
And so yesterday I put off the phone call.... had a lovely long shower.. was very happy there was little ooze on the gauze pad which was over the drain hole...and was feeling really quite fit and healthy... so what... there was no longer the awesome cleavage... but there was me...and hey... doctors have been known to be wrong... I feel and have been feeling really healthy, really strong... all of the DCIS must have been cut out... and he would be happy to tell me that... no sign in the sentinel node... all good... think about reconstruction...after all what are the physical signs of cancer??? high temp? feeling sick??? had none of them... I am sure I'll be right.
Better make that phone call... just to confirm...
crap...
"I have some not good news Suzanne" that's not what I wanted to hear... I tried to write down what was said... as it went into t bit of a blur...he was full of empathy, and the report had just come in... so he was deciphering it as we went...will get the full run down at Friday's appt (now moved to the Berwick rooms at 11am)
- as well as the DCIS in the breast tissue there were several invasive tumours ranging in size from 18mm down to 2mm.
- Tumour cells were found in the lymph nodes removed
- rest of the lymph nodes will need to be removed
- once the wounds are healed -> Chemo, Hormone and radiation therapy to get rid of this shit in my system (think I may have to put a mature content label on this blog with my swearing..whoops)
crap crap crap.....
but weirdly I felt ok... I was still feeling strong... fit and healthy... I can beat this... and I will

Talked to a friend last night... Lauren... who was the first person I shared this blog with... being a nurse, she wanted to see the pics... don't know if she read any of it... but it's cool...
Last night it started to sink in, and although I was massively tired... I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.... today... feeling less fit and a bit blobby... more teary.
It's affecting my wonderful big boy... who is refusing to take his grumpines out on me, so the kids get growled at... which makes me sad... but what can you do?? He has people to talk to... I am trying to protect him from what I am really feeling by letting it out here rather than to him...and putting on that strong brave face... although he knows it's a mask, as I go all kinda quiet... not like me at all... well if I open my mouth everything I'm thinking will spew out, best to keep it inside for now, and let it spew out through my fingers here.
The kids were great - I told the boys as we were playing halo, and we made light of shooting all the cancer cells and blowing them to bits...Jack was straight onto it..."but mum, I thought they cut it all out?" yep... gotta get those rascally ones that escaped. Nat once again was quiet - told her when she came back from dance. Lots of cuddles.

Tired today.... gotta go and do stuff, move around, try and shift some weight, get fitter to fight this fight... I'm tough and stubborn... and don't give up easy...which is probably good.

This time the first people I told were the best friends.. Kate, who has her own cancer issues to deal with, is already volunteering to sit with me through the chemo... she has already gone through that herself... you really find out the depth of friendship... I feel sooo bad, because I hate hospitals, and will do anything to avoid them... I knew Kate had a great support network (mate a family full of nurses) I took the cowards way out... although, as I was bursting into tears everytime I thought about her it was a good thing... I wouldn't have been able to be the strong person I am now... and will be in the future for her...

well... got to go and find some clothes that will be easier to wear after the next surgery... flanny shirts are in this winter aren't they? LOL. I need button up fronts, as even now the t-shirts are shitting me...
LMAO, and I am the clothing designer... hmmm something for me to do when I have the house to myself :) and recovering.

Yay... my little sisters are coming to visit this evening... we work on the same laugh therapy stuff together...Tink is down from Queensland - no not for me, this was already planned... hehehe