I think that because I am physically coping with the chemo so far... only 2 more to go...my mind is letting me down... Don't get me wrong... it hurts and I feel like shit... tired... hormonal... my skin is red and covered in spots, I'm crabby and bitchy (menopausal)...bloated and have put on 16 kilos since May :(:(:( but I know there are others doing it a lot tougher and rougher.
At the start of this I was so pumped to not let this beat me back into depression (once was enough), I was sure it wouldn't happen... and yet, I can feel that familiar and uncomfortable teetering on the knife edge, looking at the abyss. And doing what I do to crawl into my little black box... leaving the phone to go flat, not answering, having "chat" turned off... not going out much unless I have to...and it is getting me down..
I haven't been posting here often, because it's too hard to get my head around... and I generally get some really good blog posts going through my head in the middle of the night as I lie awake.
Spent a lot of the weekend crying, usually at night, or when no one could see me... not because of the football, but because it was my birthday and my mind went to that dark place... wondering how many birthdays .... it wasn't consoling to be told the pain around my wound site is probably not mets... This week I asked the onc... how do I know, when will I know....and burst into tears... no I haven't been sleeping well... yes I am very emotional... I have tried to get some help from the GP and told to come back next week...so the onc prescribed some stuff for anxiety... and I hope this will help...mild dose initially... and we shall see...
Today the aches have set in... must take some more panadol shortly... and I am very sleepy... and it's our 22nd anniversary :)
grrr.... enough whinging for today
Feeling drained having had blood taken 3 times this week...
No comments:
Post a Comment