End of year

Hating not being able to celebrate... Not feeling part of the "team"... Over it at the moment.. Just want to be at home and hug my babies.
What kind of leadership team forces people to attend a function... And makes them pay for it... and punishes those who don't attend by giving them essentially detention... Lol
That's correct the bullies rule here! Argh

I fucking hate cancer

As well as taking my life, it is taking my career. When I was diagnosed with EBC in 2010 I was a leading teacher in a position I had worked hard to develop in a new school...I was committed, hard working, loved my job, was even thinking that assistant principal could be in my 5 year plan. I worked with colleagues at an international level, participated in delivering conference papers at national, state and subject based areas in the use of ICT in schools. I loved working hard with a great team! Even through my EBC I continued to work, encourage others to try new ways of teaching and learning... By the end of 2011 I my role in Teaching and Learning had changed from eLearning to Pedagogical Development. I was so excited to take on this new big challenge...

Then the walls started to crumble in 2012...new principal..and new assistant team... Who came in stripped my role back to ICT and added ICT management, which was never part of my role, and were generally rude and aggressive towards me. I am a team player, so took on the job, and got the technicians on track...they felt they had real leadership for the first time. Did my best teaching across campuses and developing Teaching and Learning strategies, trying to implement a coaching program with no support. On top of this they brought in someone else to develop the web presence I had been working on developing for 3 years....I was treated like I was insignificant and knew nothing. I was stressed and pained, and looking back this was when my cancer was spreading...as I was being spread thinly. I was hurting physically and mentally...didn't have a campus to call home, felt like I didn't have any support from colleagues... Then the principal decided we didn't need an eLearning position, as I had done what I needed to do.... Ummmmm....but...I tried to escape... Went for other positions...closer to home...I was so tired.. Could not work out why... I usually worked at night til 11 or 12 but I just couldn't anymore.

So 2013, teaching across 3 campuses, full load, stressed, other stuff going on at the school, things totally snowball...shit classes...year 10 boys who are just waiting to go to jail (ey have since been expelled from the senior campus) ... And BANG... Stage IV bone mets diagnosis... Fuck fuck fuck....

Put on my big girl pants, work through this... Look for positions closer to home... Nothing...

Bleagh...

2014 rolls on, and third base campus in 3 years, new program, new position as being an expert teacher you have to take on extra roles, working with Mentone girls, ohhh btw cancer has progressed, into sacrum and more where it had been in hips... More rads.... No more possible to hips now :( pain is being managed...

Classes are working well, feeling well supported at the little campus... I can do this...

Bang....Michael gets retrenched.... Arghhhhh I am the one who wants to stay home and bake cookies...can't do this yet!

He gets a job the next week...hates it...leaves

So playing the waiting game for the right job to come along!

Then I get sent a message that they will be putting up a new leading teacher position... Digital Technologies...the only thing different to my old leading teacher role? The name....and they want one of the other teachers to follow up on stuff he is doing in his classes with iTunes U... Ummmm...feeling totally out of the loop...hurt and angry....worst is I don't think I can even think about applying for it because I have this fucking cancer shit!!!! I know the principal hates me... So no going there... He has barely spoken to me since my dx!

I have had my fentanyl increased... I am teary, angry, and over that my plans have flown out the window... And still in pain!

If I wasn't so tired I would jump at this, but work life balance...

I'm angry that I am angry...

Got to find my inner peace so I can finish this year, and be happy with the life I have left to me.

Got to be the strong one

It has been a crazy busy weekend, Friday evening my eldest's Year 12 Graduation mass and dinner, Saturday afternoon at a friend's clothes shopping party, and Sunday my 2nd son's 16th birthday, with a picnic in the park.

On Friday I had a few things playing on my mind, it was day 3 of my patch, so I was feeling some pain in my hips and a couple of the girls I chat with on the ABC forum are coming to their end. I have met one of them a few times face to face, and she always looks so bright and bubbly, and has been told 2-3 weeks. And, of course, all I could think of when I looked at the boys so handsome in their suits, hubby and son, and that they would probably wear them at my funeral... So I was a bit down... When hubby asked what was up I stupidly told him... Forgetting that I have to be the strong one all the time... He walked away... I just wanted a hug... Grrrrr.... We are ok now, but I know I can only let go here...or with the ABC girls. I thought after I was able to hug him when he had his melt down on daffodil day, that he would hug me, and we could cry together... That really hurt... It is really hard keeping things locked in. Thank goodness for the forums.

Hoping to get back to Bikram soon, the head as well as the body needs it!

Good days....

Good days.... It's really nice to string a few together...last weekend I was sector 8, leading my little team on what turned out to be  a very quiet V8 Supercars event!
Couldn't manage the 3 days, but 2 worked well for me...still crazy tired though!
Today I finally get a chance to put finger to touchscreen and tap out some thoughts!
Sitting outside the kids school, waiting for Will to finish his final VCE exam.
They are looking after me at school too, which is nice..so getting time to finish off things.
And the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day.

Day 2

What does someone who has metastatic breast cancer look like? 

Some look absolutely normal....like me

October

October for me is: birthdays, anniversary, springtime, daylight savings and Breast Cancer Awareness month. 
I am sure most of you are aware that you need to check your boobies... Man bobbies too...every month and get any CHANGES checked. This doesn't just mean lumps, but any changes.... I didn't have any lumps, I thought it was just hormonal swelling and a blocked milk duct after having breast fed 3 children...it wasn't... It was cancer, and in 2010 I lost one of the girls. It had also spread to my lymph nodes. As well as DCIS I had 7 invasive tumours which did not even show up on the mammogram, ultrasound and stereo core biopsy. I did everything I was supposed to do... 6 months of chemo and over 30 doses of radiation to try and make sure I got rid of the sucker.
4 years ago I was bald and the chemo made me even fatter... Today I am living each day...you only get one chance at this, make each day count.

Triggers

Last Friday my rock had a melt down.... I felt like every time I spoke to him he was snippy...

It was my first morning off and I slept til 10am. The kids also had a curriculum day...and somehow I ended up driving them all over the place before heading to work...then picking them up on the way home....we were home by 6pm...on the drive home had a call from Michael, he was not happy that I was not resting, but rather driving not only our kids but their friends around.

We got home only to find no one home... Sent Michael a couple of messages, and tried to call, nothing. So I turned off my phone to charge it. And as I didn't want to get into an argument.

He had gone for a walk... To escape... He was sad...

- it was daffodil day

- he came home to an empty house

- is this what it would be like when I am gone

- he was very sad

- had no one but me to talk to about it

- fucking cancer

- I am going to die before him

- cancer in his face wherever he turns...

We talked..cried... . I can't believe how strong I was, I barely cried ... I was trying to be strong for him.

And the weekend was better...

Today is a new week.... Things were plodding along...had to go to a meeting at the end of the day...bleagh...so tired for meetings

And then, during my year 12 class I get a message about one of my students... She is a little mouse, so fragile...and tonight she is being told by her parents that they are both incredibly sick, and her father may be terminal...OMG... All I could think about after that was the poor kid...why are they saying anything now, she doesn't have long to go to finish school...

So clearly that was a trigger for me getting angry and grumpy at the meeting... I held my tongue as long as I could... But then I had to call a couple of people to task...sure I could have been more tactful...but I was brutally honest...pulled no punches... 

Yep, tired and having triggers pushed... I was a 2 year old throwing a tantrum...

Not professional... Whoops... 

But sometimes I just want to throw a massive tantrum and scream how unfair it is... My career has been taken away from me, my family is going to lose me, and I am sad and angry... I have so much more of my story to tell...

It all hurts....arghhh

And then I feel so sad for my young student who could be losing both parents...

I couldn't talk to Michael about it.... I was waiting for him to ask...he didn't... I don't want to burden him, he has enough on his plate... Making sure he is strong and healthy enough to be there for our kids.

Michael is planning to see the GP for a referral... I hope he does...he needs to talk to someone...