I fucking hate cancer

As well as taking my life, it is taking my career. When I was diagnosed with EBC in 2010 I was a leading teacher in a position I had worked hard to develop in a new school...I was committed, hard working, loved my job, was even thinking that assistant principal could be in my 5 year plan. I worked with colleagues at an international level, participated in delivering conference papers at national, state and subject based areas in the use of ICT in schools. I loved working hard with a great team! Even through my EBC I continued to work, encourage others to try new ways of teaching and learning... By the end of 2011 I my role in Teaching and Learning had changed from eLearning to Pedagogical Development. I was so excited to take on this new big challenge...

Then the walls started to crumble in 2012...new principal..and new assistant team... Who came in stripped my role back to ICT and added ICT management, which was never part of my role, and were generally rude and aggressive towards me. I am a team player, so took on the job, and got the technicians on track...they felt they had real leadership for the first time. Did my best teaching across campuses and developing Teaching and Learning strategies, trying to implement a coaching program with no support. On top of this they brought in someone else to develop the web presence I had been working on developing for 3 years....I was treated like I was insignificant and knew nothing. I was stressed and pained, and looking back this was when my cancer was spreading...as I was being spread thinly. I was hurting physically and mentally...didn't have a campus to call home, felt like I didn't have any support from colleagues... Then the principal decided we didn't need an eLearning position, as I had done what I needed to do.... Ummmmm....but...I tried to escape... Went for other positions...closer to home...I was so tired.. Could not work out why... I usually worked at night til 11 or 12 but I just couldn't anymore.

So 2013, teaching across 3 campuses, full load, stressed, other stuff going on at the school, things totally snowball...shit classes...year 10 boys who are just waiting to go to jail (ey have since been expelled from the senior campus) ... And BANG... Stage IV bone mets diagnosis... Fuck fuck fuck....

Put on my big girl pants, work through this... Look for positions closer to home... Nothing...

Bleagh...

2014 rolls on, and third base campus in 3 years, new program, new position as being an expert teacher you have to take on extra roles, working with Mentone girls, ohhh btw cancer has progressed, into sacrum and more where it had been in hips... More rads.... No more possible to hips now :( pain is being managed...

Classes are working well, feeling well supported at the little campus... I can do this...

Bang....Michael gets retrenched.... Arghhhhh I am the one who wants to stay home and bake cookies...can't do this yet!

He gets a job the next week...hates it...leaves

So playing the waiting game for the right job to come along!

Then I get sent a message that they will be putting up a new leading teacher position... Digital Technologies...the only thing different to my old leading teacher role? The name....and they want one of the other teachers to follow up on stuff he is doing in his classes with iTunes U... Ummmm...feeling totally out of the loop...hurt and angry....worst is I don't think I can even think about applying for it because I have this fucking cancer shit!!!! I know the principal hates me... So no going there... He has barely spoken to me since my dx!

I have had my fentanyl increased... I am teary, angry, and over that my plans have flown out the window... And still in pain!

If I wasn't so tired I would jump at this, but work life balance...

I'm angry that I am angry...

Got to find my inner peace so I can finish this year, and be happy with the life I have left to me.

Me ... today

Today's prompt for the Photo a day challenge I play is "You" so I thought I would vent a bit here with the pic I have selected for that...
I want to be strong.... like the tree
I want my roots to be deep... like the tree
I want my arms to be wide.... like the tree
I want to be flexible, bending with the wind when I need to ...like the tree
I want to give back to my world.... like the tree
I want my seedlings to grow and flourish... like my tree
I want to provide shelter and comfort to those who need it.... like the redgum
I want to live a long long life like the redgum.... and when my time is done... to become part of the universe again
  I can work towards that.... regardless of time

Milestone....going strong

October 3rd....I turned 50...wow...at the start of the year I wanted a big 50th bash....but now that seemed too much effort, and I preferred to spend time with those close to me.

Still just a number...I have been busy celebrating life. 

An evening in town to see The Graduate with my wonderful man, also celebrating 25 years marriage.

Got my motorbike licence at last, no more L plates yay!

Back at work, and plodding away, it's a long term, and I'm already tired!

Blood test yesterday, xgeva next week... I am a bit concerned with my pain...particularly in my hip/lower back, but I have endone, and am taking that in the evenings, which gives me enough pain relief to go for a walk with Michael and Dexter. I love this time together, I love creating wonderful memories together.

I have been taking krill oil, and Wow, the bone and arthritis pain has hugely diminished, so now I can isolate my pain to more muscular. Probably from the rads! Although across my lower back are some tender spots. So now I can't work out if my muscle aches are purely from the rads, or exacerbated by the walks, a bit of both or?

So carrying on......