I fucking hate cancer

As well as taking my life, it is taking my career. When I was diagnosed with EBC in 2010 I was a leading teacher in a position I had worked hard to develop in a new school...I was committed, hard working, loved my job, was even thinking that assistant principal could be in my 5 year plan. I worked with colleagues at an international level, participated in delivering conference papers at national, state and subject based areas in the use of ICT in schools. I loved working hard with a great team! Even through my EBC I continued to work, encourage others to try new ways of teaching and learning... By the end of 2011 I my role in Teaching and Learning had changed from eLearning to Pedagogical Development. I was so excited to take on this new big challenge...

Then the walls started to crumble in 2012...new principal..and new assistant team... Who came in stripped my role back to ICT and added ICT management, which was never part of my role, and were generally rude and aggressive towards me. I am a team player, so took on the job, and got the technicians on track...they felt they had real leadership for the first time. Did my best teaching across campuses and developing Teaching and Learning strategies, trying to implement a coaching program with no support. On top of this they brought in someone else to develop the web presence I had been working on developing for 3 years....I was treated like I was insignificant and knew nothing. I was stressed and pained, and looking back this was when my cancer was spreading...as I was being spread thinly. I was hurting physically and mentally...didn't have a campus to call home, felt like I didn't have any support from colleagues... Then the principal decided we didn't need an eLearning position, as I had done what I needed to do.... Ummmmm....but...I tried to escape... Went for other positions...closer to home...I was so tired.. Could not work out why... I usually worked at night til 11 or 12 but I just couldn't anymore.

So 2013, teaching across 3 campuses, full load, stressed, other stuff going on at the school, things totally snowball...shit classes...year 10 boys who are just waiting to go to jail (ey have since been expelled from the senior campus) ... And BANG... Stage IV bone mets diagnosis... Fuck fuck fuck....

Put on my big girl pants, work through this... Look for positions closer to home... Nothing...

Bleagh...

2014 rolls on, and third base campus in 3 years, new program, new position as being an expert teacher you have to take on extra roles, working with Mentone girls, ohhh btw cancer has progressed, into sacrum and more where it had been in hips... More rads.... No more possible to hips now :( pain is being managed...

Classes are working well, feeling well supported at the little campus... I can do this...

Bang....Michael gets retrenched.... Arghhhhh I am the one who wants to stay home and bake cookies...can't do this yet!

He gets a job the next week...hates it...leaves

So playing the waiting game for the right job to come along!

Then I get sent a message that they will be putting up a new leading teacher position... Digital Technologies...the only thing different to my old leading teacher role? The name....and they want one of the other teachers to follow up on stuff he is doing in his classes with iTunes U... Ummmm...feeling totally out of the loop...hurt and angry....worst is I don't think I can even think about applying for it because I have this fucking cancer shit!!!! I know the principal hates me... So no going there... He has barely spoken to me since my dx!

I have had my fentanyl increased... I am teary, angry, and over that my plans have flown out the window... And still in pain!

If I wasn't so tired I would jump at this, but work life balance...

I'm angry that I am angry...

Got to find my inner peace so I can finish this year, and be happy with the life I have left to me.

Next stage. In this journey

I guess it has been with trepidation that I have started to think about reducing the hours I work. Deep down I knew I had to, as I have been so very tired...but in my mind that meant I was giving in to f'n cancer by changing my hours, and working part time. As a teacher I hate taking days off, as it affects my students, this is something only other teachers truly understand.

So after getting a run around trying to find out what my options were in regards to mot losing money, but reducing hours, I finally set up a meeting with my union rep. Over these weeks I have been running a range of possible scenarios through in my head, how will it best work. What I came up with was working part time, but taking a day a week in sick leave...would it work? Could it work? I have 70 days sick leave up my sleeve...if I was to stop work now, they would be lost... If I was to reduce hours now it would affect my superannuation payout when I do decide to finish....

Union guy says yes...it is very do-able ... So I went straight on to the timetabler, so he can factor that in for term 4... Next time I see my oncologist I will get a certificate...and we will work it out.

I have also worked out what is making me so sleepy... Lyrica, which is used for nerve pain... I sending me to sleep... So not using it in the day...scary having micro sleeps as I drive home...

So very pleased to have a plan of attack...

And now to sleep...perchance to dream