Got to be the strong one

It has been a crazy busy weekend, Friday evening my eldest's Year 12 Graduation mass and dinner, Saturday afternoon at a friend's clothes shopping party, and Sunday my 2nd son's 16th birthday, with a picnic in the park.

On Friday I had a few things playing on my mind, it was day 3 of my patch, so I was feeling some pain in my hips and a couple of the girls I chat with on the ABC forum are coming to their end. I have met one of them a few times face to face, and she always looks so bright and bubbly, and has been told 2-3 weeks. And, of course, all I could think of when I looked at the boys so handsome in their suits, hubby and son, and that they would probably wear them at my funeral... So I was a bit down... When hubby asked what was up I stupidly told him... Forgetting that I have to be the strong one all the time... He walked away... I just wanted a hug... Grrrrr.... We are ok now, but I know I can only let go here...or with the ABC girls. I thought after I was able to hug him when he had his melt down on daffodil day, that he would hug me, and we could cry together... That really hurt... It is really hard keeping things locked in. Thank goodness for the forums.

Hoping to get back to Bikram soon, the head as well as the body needs it!

Triggers

Last Friday my rock had a melt down.... I felt like every time I spoke to him he was snippy...

It was my first morning off and I slept til 10am. The kids also had a curriculum day...and somehow I ended up driving them all over the place before heading to work...then picking them up on the way home....we were home by 6pm...on the drive home had a call from Michael, he was not happy that I was not resting, but rather driving not only our kids but their friends around.

We got home only to find no one home... Sent Michael a couple of messages, and tried to call, nothing. So I turned off my phone to charge it. And as I didn't want to get into an argument.

He had gone for a walk... To escape... He was sad...

- it was daffodil day

- he came home to an empty house

- is this what it would be like when I am gone

- he was very sad

- had no one but me to talk to about it

- fucking cancer

- I am going to die before him

- cancer in his face wherever he turns...

We talked..cried... . I can't believe how strong I was, I barely cried ... I was trying to be strong for him.

And the weekend was better...

Today is a new week.... Things were plodding along...had to go to a meeting at the end of the day...bleagh...so tired for meetings

And then, during my year 12 class I get a message about one of my students... She is a little mouse, so fragile...and tonight she is being told by her parents that they are both incredibly sick, and her father may be terminal...OMG... All I could think about after that was the poor kid...why are they saying anything now, she doesn't have long to go to finish school...

So clearly that was a trigger for me getting angry and grumpy at the meeting... I held my tongue as long as I could... But then I had to call a couple of people to task...sure I could have been more tactful...but I was brutally honest...pulled no punches... 

Yep, tired and having triggers pushed... I was a 2 year old throwing a tantrum...

Not professional... Whoops... 

But sometimes I just want to throw a massive tantrum and scream how unfair it is... My career has been taken away from me, my family is going to lose me, and I am sad and angry... I have so much more of my story to tell...

It all hurts....arghhh

And then I feel so sad for my young student who could be losing both parents...

I couldn't talk to Michael about it.... I was waiting for him to ask...he didn't... I don't want to burden him, he has enough on his plate... Making sure he is strong and healthy enough to be there for our kids.

Michael is planning to see the GP for a referral... I hope he does...he needs to talk to someone...