The Road to healing

Well... ya know I was feeling no pain, feeling fit and healthy and happy until they started to "fix" my cancer... and tomorrow we take the very scary step...the next step in healing, which will make me feel bleagh... Chemo.

Ahhh well first things first... my babies were wonderful to me over the weekend, particularly Sunday - Mother's day. Pity I was in so much pain. I think I knocked the drain bottle sutures, and I know one of my babies accidentally sat on it, pulling it again... so panadol wasn't doing it for me over the weekend.... and then Mic suggested I should cut down on the 4 hourly panadol... hmmmm easy for him to say huh.
I tried... and I cried... and it hurt... and I was miserable...I was tired, but I got out for a walk on Sunday... don't know if that made the owie worse...
I was getting the drain out Monday morning, so no point getting all drastic Sunday night.... Couldn't even stay up to watch Webber win in Spain...but that meant my back was over lying flat by 5.30am

Follow up appt with the surgeon to remove the drain went well... got my doctor's certificate..."when do I want to go back to work... hmmm I dunno"   and he discussed all the tricky bits...
Did the kids know... the nicest kids can go feral
Sex... take time, and intimacy will return... talk, and love and laugh...
Family and work stuff
Wigs... I will be bald pretty soon. etc etc etc
Brilliant... once the drain was taken out (Mic said it was in about 20cm... OMG, no wonder I couldn't move my arm) I had instant relief... still muscular aches around the shoulder from the axillary clearance, but no sharp pain any more... that alone put a spring in my step, the sun was shining....and off to the imaging place to get the gated blood pool scan.
Had a lovely guy, doing the blood taking... he was sooooo gentle, and would be doing the CT and Bone scan on Friday too. Did not feel a thing, he put in a bung thingy in my arm - gave me something, I had to wait half an hour, then he took my blood and added the radioactive stuff to it... had to wait another 15 minutes until he reinjected my live blood, and put me under the big camera to take pics of how it was travelling to my heart. This test is to see how much the chemo affects my heart... what fun.

Reading some blogs of cancer fighters.... the hair thing comes to mind... of course mine is looking fab at the moment..
Hair

but they reckon with this cancer I will lose it within a week... well... I have had a shaved head before.... time to break out the clippers before the drains get totally clogged up with my mop. I offered to let the kids cut it - how often would kids get that opportunity (well I read that on one of the inspirational blogs I have been reading) but they looked at me a bit confused.
We shall get there.....  and now, for a night's sleep without a drain to piss me off or hurt.... yay
Ohhh and have cut back on panadol already. Did some Pilates moves... thinking about getting some stuff to keep me regular... hospital seems to clog me up.

It's starting to sink in

I have cancer.... still apart from the pain from the surgery, do I feel any different to when I didn't know I had cancer... not really... although maybe it explains my lethargy (or maybe I am just really lazy...)
Tomorrow I have an axilla clearance, where they will be removing the rest of the lymph nodes (and checking to see how many more have cancer in them I guess). I have given up a bit of my initial finding out whatever I could about what is happening to me.... until my darling boy and my medical friend were filling me in on the lifelong changes which will occur after this surgery - easy to get infected, as there will be no lymph system to cleanse the blood... so tried to have another read up about it.... just trying not to scare Michael, but clearly he is reading up and already scared.... as am I.
Far out... it's my right arm... I can't imagine keeping it pristine and unscathed for the rest of my life... not getting scratches gardening, sewing, geocaching...(digging in the bush) that will take a lot of getting used to.
Surgery is early afternoon...going in the same incision as the mastectomy.... but drains will be in for a week.... yay - not... means I get to have drain tubes and bottles for the Field of Women on Friday.
scared....want to cry but can't...I don't feel brave I feel quite numb...
I posted the pictures of the lovely flowers I have been sent...looking for the beauty in life... the smiles on my kids faces... their hugs and love..
tomorrow will just be a glitch when I look back on it from the future

Bugger

well... ya know.... Mr R was warning me from day one, that the sheer size of the mass meant the likelyhood that some DCIS had escaped to become invasive breast cancer was very likely, particularly as I had noticed the right breast was, well... looking at it now, two cup sizes bigger than the left...
And so yesterday I put off the phone call.... had a lovely long shower.. was very happy there was little ooze on the gauze pad which was over the drain hole...and was feeling really quite fit and healthy... so what... there was no longer the awesome cleavage... but there was me...and hey... doctors have been known to be wrong... I feel and have been feeling really healthy, really strong... all of the DCIS must have been cut out... and he would be happy to tell me that... no sign in the sentinel node... all good... think about reconstruction...after all what are the physical signs of cancer??? high temp? feeling sick??? had none of them... I am sure I'll be right.
Better make that phone call... just to confirm...
crap...
"I have some not good news Suzanne" that's not what I wanted to hear... I tried to write down what was said... as it went into t bit of a blur...he was full of empathy, and the report had just come in... so he was deciphering it as we went...will get the full run down at Friday's appt (now moved to the Berwick rooms at 11am)
- as well as the DCIS in the breast tissue there were several invasive tumours ranging in size from 18mm down to 2mm.
- Tumour cells were found in the lymph nodes removed
- rest of the lymph nodes will need to be removed
- once the wounds are healed -> Chemo, Hormone and radiation therapy to get rid of this shit in my system (think I may have to put a mature content label on this blog with my swearing..whoops)
crap crap crap.....
but weirdly I felt ok... I was still feeling strong... fit and healthy... I can beat this... and I will

Talked to a friend last night... Lauren... who was the first person I shared this blog with... being a nurse, she wanted to see the pics... don't know if she read any of it... but it's cool...
Last night it started to sink in, and although I was massively tired... I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.... today... feeling less fit and a bit blobby... more teary.
It's affecting my wonderful big boy... who is refusing to take his grumpines out on me, so the kids get growled at... which makes me sad... but what can you do?? He has people to talk to... I am trying to protect him from what I am really feeling by letting it out here rather than to him...and putting on that strong brave face... although he knows it's a mask, as I go all kinda quiet... not like me at all... well if I open my mouth everything I'm thinking will spew out, best to keep it inside for now, and let it spew out through my fingers here.
The kids were great - I told the boys as we were playing halo, and we made light of shooting all the cancer cells and blowing them to bits...Jack was straight onto it..."but mum, I thought they cut it all out?" yep... gotta get those rascally ones that escaped. Nat once again was quiet - told her when she came back from dance. Lots of cuddles.

Tired today.... gotta go and do stuff, move around, try and shift some weight, get fitter to fight this fight... I'm tough and stubborn... and don't give up easy...which is probably good.

This time the first people I told were the best friends.. Kate, who has her own cancer issues to deal with, is already volunteering to sit with me through the chemo... she has already gone through that herself... you really find out the depth of friendship... I feel sooo bad, because I hate hospitals, and will do anything to avoid them... I knew Kate had a great support network (mate a family full of nurses) I took the cowards way out... although, as I was bursting into tears everytime I thought about her it was a good thing... I wouldn't have been able to be the strong person I am now... and will be in the future for her...

well... got to go and find some clothes that will be easier to wear after the next surgery... flanny shirts are in this winter aren't they? LOL. I need button up fronts, as even now the t-shirts are shitting me...
LMAO, and I am the clothing designer... hmmm something for me to do when I have the house to myself :) and recovering.

Yay... my little sisters are coming to visit this evening... we work on the same laugh therapy stuff together...Tink is down from Queensland - no not for me, this was already planned... hehehe

Staying Strong

shit shit shit....
OK... now I have to act strong for everyone.... can't show pain... can't let anyone know how scared I am... or they are going to crumble around me.
biopsy area on the right is a bit painful, means I am protecting it, and not lifting etc, to the incision mark doesn't tear. Because I also had a long needle biopsy in the left breast am supposed to take that one easy too...
now mickles chooses to lose the plot and get shitty with the kids.
Staying strong for Mum, so I don't make her cry, staying strong for my sisters and brother, staying strong for the kids, because they will make me cry, now staying strong for Mic.... the BCNA handbook says to take time to cry and let it out, don't always have to be strong, but I think it's easier for me, as the passenger, to be strong, and hopefully help those around me to be strong.
hehehe Kirsty (sister) is getting there... having some comic banter helps - where do I find ice packs big enough to cover my breasts???? a chest freezer... LMAO ... as see described it champagne comedy... will have to keep working on those lines. The world needs more comedy... less pain

It's April 1, maybe this is a joke

I had my first ever mammogram on Tuesday morning, wasn't too uncomfortable, lovely people, very chatty - then I had to go for the ultrasound as well... she pointed out a cyst, cool. I figured that would be ok... loads of people have cysts... I have big boobs, and they are hard to scan, have always been a bit lumpy.
I had a pap smear last week... last one was dodgy, but no biggy... I did expect the same, if not worse, as I was over a year over due... doh. When I had the mammogram I also had a pelvic ultrasound, as a screen as there is ovarian cancer in the family. Results would be to my GP by Thursday.
Clearly I had a week off, and was doing the grease and oils checks...
Well... while we were at the radiology there was a missed call from my GP - I figured.... ick... dodgy pap smear result... at best same as last time, at worst cervical cancer...
The GP had left when I returned the call, so I made the appointment for today. I was a bit apprehensive, thinking it was the pap smear that caused her to ring me, never thinking what the real truth was.
When I went in to see her today, as usual, had to wait half an hour before going in... par for the course.
Walked in, and she was straight to it, wondered if they had said anything at the radiology, I said with the ultrasound they had shown me a cyst, and I was ok with that. But there was more... two envelopes on the table for me...she had "taken the liberty" of booking an appointment with a specialist which is the next step. I was still thinking cyst, and suprised it was all so quick, and then she was discussing oncologists, and that they specialist had probably already contacted them. Did I "have private health insurance?" "Yes" "Good" because things would probably happen quickly.
But I asked, it might not be..."c"... she said she was going to be straight up... it was breast cancer.
Shit...
Later on I thought... hmmm April 1, this would be a sick joke.
Still a bit numb, but wanting to record this... journey

Michael is wonderful... he left work early and has taken Tuesday off to take me to the specialist. After finally getting out of the surgery - "computers said no" and bursting into tears at the counter.."no I'm not alright - yes I can drive home"... got home... confirmed my appointment...and now I guess it's auto pilot...
Happy Easter.
Time to get fit later - tonight I need a drink