Bugger

well... ya know.... Mr R was warning me from day one, that the sheer size of the mass meant the likelyhood that some DCIS had escaped to become invasive breast cancer was very likely, particularly as I had noticed the right breast was, well... looking at it now, two cup sizes bigger than the left...
And so yesterday I put off the phone call.... had a lovely long shower.. was very happy there was little ooze on the gauze pad which was over the drain hole...and was feeling really quite fit and healthy... so what... there was no longer the awesome cleavage... but there was me...and hey... doctors have been known to be wrong... I feel and have been feeling really healthy, really strong... all of the DCIS must have been cut out... and he would be happy to tell me that... no sign in the sentinel node... all good... think about reconstruction...after all what are the physical signs of cancer??? high temp? feeling sick??? had none of them... I am sure I'll be right.
Better make that phone call... just to confirm...
crap...
"I have some not good news Suzanne" that's not what I wanted to hear... I tried to write down what was said... as it went into t bit of a blur...he was full of empathy, and the report had just come in... so he was deciphering it as we went...will get the full run down at Friday's appt (now moved to the Berwick rooms at 11am)
- as well as the DCIS in the breast tissue there were several invasive tumours ranging in size from 18mm down to 2mm.
- Tumour cells were found in the lymph nodes removed
- rest of the lymph nodes will need to be removed
- once the wounds are healed -> Chemo, Hormone and radiation therapy to get rid of this shit in my system (think I may have to put a mature content label on this blog with my swearing..whoops)
crap crap crap.....
but weirdly I felt ok... I was still feeling strong... fit and healthy... I can beat this... and I will

Talked to a friend last night... Lauren... who was the first person I shared this blog with... being a nurse, she wanted to see the pics... don't know if she read any of it... but it's cool...
Last night it started to sink in, and although I was massively tired... I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.... today... feeling less fit and a bit blobby... more teary.
It's affecting my wonderful big boy... who is refusing to take his grumpines out on me, so the kids get growled at... which makes me sad... but what can you do?? He has people to talk to... I am trying to protect him from what I am really feeling by letting it out here rather than to him...and putting on that strong brave face... although he knows it's a mask, as I go all kinda quiet... not like me at all... well if I open my mouth everything I'm thinking will spew out, best to keep it inside for now, and let it spew out through my fingers here.
The kids were great - I told the boys as we were playing halo, and we made light of shooting all the cancer cells and blowing them to bits...Jack was straight onto it..."but mum, I thought they cut it all out?" yep... gotta get those rascally ones that escaped. Nat once again was quiet - told her when she came back from dance. Lots of cuddles.

Tired today.... gotta go and do stuff, move around, try and shift some weight, get fitter to fight this fight... I'm tough and stubborn... and don't give up easy...which is probably good.

This time the first people I told were the best friends.. Kate, who has her own cancer issues to deal with, is already volunteering to sit with me through the chemo... she has already gone through that herself... you really find out the depth of friendship... I feel sooo bad, because I hate hospitals, and will do anything to avoid them... I knew Kate had a great support network (mate a family full of nurses) I took the cowards way out... although, as I was bursting into tears everytime I thought about her it was a good thing... I wouldn't have been able to be the strong person I am now... and will be in the future for her...

well... got to go and find some clothes that will be easier to wear after the next surgery... flanny shirts are in this winter aren't they? LOL. I need button up fronts, as even now the t-shirts are shitting me...
LMAO, and I am the clothing designer... hmmm something for me to do when I have the house to myself :) and recovering.

Yay... my little sisters are coming to visit this evening... we work on the same laugh therapy stuff together...Tink is down from Queensland - no not for me, this was already planned... hehehe

Waiting waiting

Ho hum the wait is driving me insane. This is the only place I can think my mind out loud.
My right side has been really sore, taking panadol , can't say anything as mic is loosing himself in his own depression.
People at my campus know, the grapevine works quickly. Already over the constant "how are you - really?" but they don't really want to know, well there are a few genuine ones.
All of my classes have now been told, the vcal group were great, all of the kids were.
Today I went to do the elearning thing at the junior campuses. Told a couple of friends, funny the reaction and differences from different people. I mean from leadership team. Chris was lovely and his caring words were clearly heartfelt. Cathy has been awesome having been through it herself.

Trying to make time fly by going down to the island over the weekend for the Vic state round... wary and weary... the kids are excited.... better go get that mask on

Staying Strong

shit shit shit....
OK... now I have to act strong for everyone.... can't show pain... can't let anyone know how scared I am... or they are going to crumble around me.
biopsy area on the right is a bit painful, means I am protecting it, and not lifting etc, to the incision mark doesn't tear. Because I also had a long needle biopsy in the left breast am supposed to take that one easy too...
now mickles chooses to lose the plot and get shitty with the kids.
Staying strong for Mum, so I don't make her cry, staying strong for my sisters and brother, staying strong for the kids, because they will make me cry, now staying strong for Mic.... the BCNA handbook says to take time to cry and let it out, don't always have to be strong, but I think it's easier for me, as the passenger, to be strong, and hopefully help those around me to be strong.
hehehe Kirsty (sister) is getting there... having some comic banter helps - where do I find ice packs big enough to cover my breasts???? a chest freezer... LMAO ... as see described it champagne comedy... will have to keep working on those lines. The world needs more comedy... less pain

Keeping busy

OK... with the news we have time to plan and get the treatment right I am able to go to the ACEC2010 conference. Phew... I was stressing as it was an expensive conference, and I didn't want it to go to waste, and I was presenting...
well I can keep busy by being there for the next few days. Keeping my mind active. I told a couple of people who I knew at the conference.... will have to try harder to keep it to myself... not something people want to hear, although it was nice to get it out....
Feeling a bit tired and run down, don't know if that is the illness or lack of sleep from tossing and turning. Emotional roller coaster it is.
The two little ones are having sleep overs, and Will is loving being at home without little brother and sister to interfere. I am wondering if he has twigged... I know Nat has been super smoochy... I am dreading telling them... I really don't know what the future will bring, but I plan to make sure I keep positive about it.
I have been using some aromatherapy oils, which seem to be helping keep me strong. I have started taking some strong anti oxidants to boost my immune system.
Got my My Journey Kit from the breast cancer Network Australia - a journal/diary/planner, resources, magazine, and early breast cancer book. Ahh some train reading...LOL
Well... rest now, early start tomorrow... put on a smiley face :)