Friday

Ahh the weekend... I made it.... There were times this week I did wonder.... Nearly falling asleep driving home is not good...so very weary. I stopped wearing the fentanyl patch last week, and figured I could live with the pain if I wasn't so tired.... It didn't seem to make much difference.... I seem to go through waves of tiredness to extreme tiredness.... I even started to fall asleep at the theatre last week... It was hard work to stay awake...and I wanted to stay awake, the production of Wicked was wonderful... Made better being there with a few of my favourite people...

So...the pain killers have made it more tricky to get the "movement" balance right...it seems to go from one extreme...where I put on a kilo each day... To the other, where I can't be far from a toilet...arghhhh. But the weight loss is slower....I try to get through the tiredness to get out on the walks in the evening, which should help... But not as often as I would like....

Sadly another of the support group passed away this week...this disease is seriously fucked up... She wasn't even 40. So many of the women are in their 30s with young children... Arghhhh.

I am getting to the point where I have to think about the next step...changing the hours I work...still full time...but it is getting hard, I am tired and grumpy, I get home and fall asleep....I rely on Michael to do most of the cooking  and cleaning.... I am so whacked...

Time for those decisions later...next term...after the year 12s finish...yes I keep putting it off...if I do something, cut back on hours, it means I admit I'm sick, and I am not going to get better.... But then how do I want to spend my last years? Working for the man with all his stresses, or creating beautiful memories for my children friends and family?

This weekend sees some memories about to be created with my wonderful sister down in Melbourne, and the family getting together....

Patch is on....

The tough decisions can wait, at least for this weekend.

Rest in peace angels.

Bleagh

Time for a vent... Turn away now if you want a happy smiley read... This is not that

I feel like shit...

Fuck cancer... It took another of the ABC girls today...we had a running commentary from her daughter of the last few days... It was special to be privvy to her thoughts on this part of the journey, but it really does bring about the sad reality of the end for us... No thoughts of being 99 and passing in my sleep of old age fighting fit ...just old...it does make me angry....

Today the pain and tiredness added to my anger... I was snippy with the students and had to pull myself into check a few times...it's not their fault I feel like this... Maybe I do need to change the amount I work, or even stop completely ... But then what...just wait to die?

Said things I probably shouldn't today... I have to find my inner peace and not let this get to me so much... The pain in my hip is increasing...well probably more my sacrum.. And in my forearm, further to the wrist than the initial cancer in that arm...

I have a morphine patch...25 micrograms an hour, ibuprofen SR, and 8 paracetamol 2x4 - 6 hrs and endone when I get home.. Have had two and it has only just knocked the edge off the pain.... Everything is annoying me...I just want to cry and sleep... I have to put on a brave face for the family... So this is my vent...

Take this in hand... Must try to meditate... Find my inner peace ...relax ...easier said than done

Winter lurgies

Lips have been dry for over a week...been getting very dry throat and mouth...massive night sweats..jitters...tingly lips...slight dizziness... Was putting it down to new meds, pushing through it, walking 3km each night...

The 2 weeks holidays were good to me, felt revived,caught up with family, got creative...did no school work..oops...LOL...but felt good, if the weather had been better I would have gone for a ride!

Then back to work... Totally broke me...so exhausted each day...PD on Monday was ok, then just got more and more tired...crashing for a snooze each day as soon as I got home. Thursday was a whole day excursion into the city with year 9s... I had planned it, so couldn't call in sick, the drive in was excruciating...I was falling asleep at the wheel...got to the station, at least I didn't have to walk far...but I could hardly stand. I was snappy and not in a good headspace...

http://instagram.com/p/qiEKP8jSWf/

Chocolate cake for brekky definitely helped! Well for a bit...

Finished off the day with parent teacher interviews... My oldest in yr 12 is at least one thing I don't have to worry about...he is doing so well...making me a proud mumma.

Friday, while in the shower I realised it would be dangerous for both me and other road users...then I tried to talk to the family....no voice at all... Called work, set up my classes, had my medication and breakfast and was back in bed by 8am...thinking I would read or wake in an hour or so....next time I saw the clock it was 3:55pm and I was still tired. Got out of bed, so the kids would see me up, maintain normality....zonked but stayed up til 9.30... Then bed

Then a little sad today as the others left for the track...but got over that and slept til midday. Endone and paracetamol with lemon, porridge and tea, while chilling on the couch! Great pain in my hips and sit bones...tired beyond belief...jittery...looking forward to getting back to bed. But Dexter has been looking after me!

Today has been a good day

Report from scans shows no progress... Yay..

Got to see my regular onc... Yay

Got lots of stuff to deal with the pain...Yay

So off to bed, and I think I will sleep well....

Changing from femara to aromasin

So hopefully we will stay on track....

I even think I remembered to ask all the questions... Like the femara thing, and pain management...

Yay...even went for a walk...

It is a good day

Interesting... I have had not much faith in my "locum" onc, as both times she has seen me about results she has been happy with the blood work, just gave me more pain meds, and lo and behold both times I have had new mets in my hip last year, and back to my hip and new to my sacrum this year.

I have found it hard to discuss things, as she clearly doesn't know me so well... today I bit the bullet to go back for a room appt...(rather than a quick catch up when I am in for denosumab next week,). I changed from tamoxifen to femara last year with the met dx...and apart from the denosumab am not on anything else...had 5 rads in 2013 and 10 lower does bigger area this year. So when I asked her what happens next (at the last denosumab shot) she brushed me off and said to make an appt in the room a couple of weeks after I finished my rads. 

So it has been doing my head in... but I made the call...she can't see me, would it be better to wait til my regular onc comes back in a couple of weeks... That is fine with me, as I am still working full time... and have holidays in a couple of weeks... but am not wanting a repeat of last terms hols where I had appointments every day. 

Guess I am wondering what is next.... 

Update

Well, this weekend I have missed out on a race meeting...due to being tired, and having a big meeting next weekend, so... Taking it easy.

Last week was rads every day... And work, and extra driving... Yes I know I am doing too much... But... Ok I have no excuse...so relaxing this weekend.

Pain has still been an issue... I ended up getting some fentanyl patches which I used last weekend to see me through the field of women... And took it off Sunday night before driving around. My beautiful sister was down from Queensland, and she drove me around on Friday, then we trained it and Michael drove over the weekend.

Wednesday was an extra long work day... Waking with a migraine did not help... So I had Panadol osteo 6 hourly and ibuprofen 8 hourly, got it into the background a bit.... It was the Open night at school, so I eventually went home after 9pm and popped a patch on and had an endone as well... 

Thursday I couldn't believe I woke up with an even bigger migraine...this time including nausea and spewing... Arghhh. Hoping it is the tension headaches we put the last lot down to....it hung around most of the day... I did take Thursday off, and Michael drove me around, got some nurofen migraine stuff and maxolan to reduce nausea... It subsided, I slept most of the day... 

Saw the breast surgeon as the nurse wanted me to come back after I was put on antibiotics when the stitches were taken out... Still a bit red and achy around the under arm, but he was happy it was heading in the right direction.

In the evening was the long awaited Talent Quest... With my son in the rafters on the lights and my lovely daughter part of a dance team... Brilliant night, glad I had the sleep.

Friday, woke with the migraine again... Can't believe this... But my neck is super stiff, so continued with the analgesics ... It subsided a bit... Did the work thing, then home to endone.

Over the weekend I can feel the migraine in the background, but not full on... Drinking lots, having green tea, taking it easy, still getting out for a walk. The pain is still there in my hips... This is getting annoying... I see the rads onc tomorrow... And have my last rads session....

Tired, not so emotional, just wanting to feel better... The patch is good, I feel mentally focused, more so than with the endone, but needing the endone for the ongoing hip pain, particularly when lying down, so sleep is a bit of an issue! 

Well on we go...

Field of Women

An emotional event. I was invited with a bunch of other people to be available for media comment. No one spoke to me specifically,  but it was great to be a part of such an amazing event. Hope funds for a cure are raised quickly.