Still here

well... who would have thought a global pandemic would give me time to sit and think.
This week I was supposed to be in Vietnam, training their senior officials in the role of sector marshal. Then a side trip home to do a parkrun in Singapore. Alas, everything is shut, locked down, isolation... no travelling. Thanks Covid-19.
It is my 10 year cancerversary..and instead of living life to the max giving cancer the big FU... I have been bunkered down following government guidelines, not venturing out except to hunt for food and essentials, etc. preparing classes for not going back to school, but teaching remotely.
Interesting times.
Update with work...changed schools, so incredibly happy that I did. Amazing colleagues, much shorter drive and teaching what I love textiles art and studio art at VCE. And working full time.
I have taken up running, doing parkruns every Saturday (they have ceased as well) and been able to reduce my opioids to nothing... I feel awake.
I am in a flat spot this week, last week we had student free days to prepare for remote teaching

And I was buzzing, in my happy place, preparing materials and classes, interacting with team mates...

Then this week...I started, then I flopped...just thinking about the past ten years..boy they have flown. And 7 years with advanced breast cancer... so beating the numbers at the moment. But just flat, probably a bit of everything that’s going on, as well as my personal headspace. 

Since I last wrote I have had a second primary breast cancer...triple negative grade 3 stage 3...so off  came lefty... it was actually like a relief..feeling much more balanced. The CT scan after showed everything clear and stable, but to be sure I had a PET scan...same result, that was in Nov - mastectomy and December the PET scan. So also stopped Xeloda then, as the liver Mets had gone.

Since then I have had one scan, 2018, and it’s all good...still stable no progression.

Started working full time again in 2019. Best decision I ever made.

Tomorrow is my parkrun anniversary 4/4/2015, and apart from the second primary, I have had no progression to my ABC since I started running, now I’m too scared to stop...

So why so flat? Being inside, isolated, so digitally connected but so alone, wanting to curl up and sleep... going to force myself to run tomorrow...hope the endorphins kick in.

Oops

It has been a while... And just finding time to navel gaze at this shit that will kill me is not worth my while.
So I am back, down on the peninsula with some old mates and new. Mets or ABC getaway time.
I have tried to post in between,  however blogger is not playing nicely.,so,before I get too in depth let's see if it works.

ABC Getaway

Our 2nd get together... A special bunch. We have lost 3 since April, sad reality of our situation.
Some are looking fab, kicking butt, others not so much. So I was quite teary and emotional once again..
Pain will do that...it is the brain of most of our lives.
Bonds are being strengthened , laughs tears, and enjoying the time we have.

The results are nearly in, sort of

So I had the CT a few Fridays ago, essentially to check on how the Xeloda has been working, as I have been having some dizziness and more pelvis/sacrum/hip joint pain (where my bone mets are). When I went for my monthly jab I got the results...They are a mixed bag.
Yay Xeloda is doing its job well (I am on 3 each day) the larger of the spots on my liver was classed as stable just under 1cm still, and the two smaller ones are now barely visible. The bone mets on my pelvis are stable, have shown no change. So that is the really good news... I do wonder as I have settled in with Xeloda now whether the dose should be increased.
However, they did find a few spots on my brain, which they suspect could be mets, and recommended an MRI a to confirm or deny! My onc wasn't too phased about the brain ones, except for my dizziness, I was happy to reassess next month if my dizziness continues (my thinking is I am pretty sure I had a good dose of flu, and have had low wcc and neutrophils and picked up everything this winter...still filled with snot, so this could be adding to my unsteadiness) . I will have the MRI just before my next xgeva jab.
So...still in limbo.... Fatigue is nuts, but it's the end of term and everyone is tired.... a week to go.
My rock is having trouble coming to terms with it all, and has put his head in the sand a bit :( but we will get there...
The past week has been dismal, but the weather is looking up, and this weekend I head to Sandown for the V8s... hope I make it through... should be there today, but I am resting, taking it easy... getting my energy levels up.

Post from Sunday 29 August

So, it's been a few months since the blip on my liver showed up and I was put on Xeloda. I have been getting more pain in my hips recently,  and so last month at the xgeva jab the onc told me to get a CT done, close to the next xgeva. He wanted it on the same day, but as I go straight from work it makes it difficult.
So on Friday I had it done...I was there for a while. I must have lost weight, or they are making bigger gowns. I had my blood test on Thursday,  so they were concerned they got an artery rather than a vein, as I was bleeding back into the cannula, but all was good, the anti inflammatory stuff makes it bleed more.
The injection site has been itchy, but will hopefully calm down. My veins have dine remarkably well considering what they have been through.
I feel like I am in limbo until I get the results. So tomorrow is a late night at work then Tuesday work in the morning and Cabrini in the arvo.
So very tired, have picked up one thing after another this winter. Grrrr.
Ah well one foot in front of the other...and we shall get there...

Life

Ahhh like life, a ball if yarn can be long or short, tangled or smooth, thick or thin, or more likely a combination... Sometimes you wonder how you will ever get it untangled, and then, by the end of it, something beautiful has been created.

https://www.polaroidblipfoto.com/entry/2086047724473421159

The double edged sword!

When I had chemo in 2010, I put on so much weight, with the dexmethasone and chemo and feeling sad and sorry for myself...I also had swelling of my hands, and could no longer wear my wedding ring... Which was upsetting, but other things were going on... And so for the next 5 years my hands were without rings. Every now and then I would try it on, usually when going somewhere special and glamming up for the night... But to no avail, not even able to get it over my knuckles. Then if I did, it was mighty uncomfortable.

Since last October I have been making a concerted effort to lose weight through exercise and portion control. I have now lost around 15kilos since my heaviest of 110kgs. (I may well have gotten heavier, but I was too sad to look). I got a garmin Vivofit for my birthday, and it was on and happening. I was walking lots and feeling healthy!

Then in April the weight was dropping off, and I got the news of the liver met making itself at home... Was the weightloss from my efforts or a side product of liver mets? Still the weight is falling... Hubby decides to enjoy a bit of chocolate each evening... and knowing that is my weakness I am not able to say no. So I wonder if the weightloss will stop... After all since having children I only have to look at chocolate to put back on anything I managed to lose...hmmmmm double edged sword.

So, now heading into the end of the third week of this lurgy, which has stopped me from doing much of anything, I felt sure the weightloss will stop... Specially with the extra evening chocolate treats!!

But the scales are disagreeing, and in fact for the first time in about 10 years or more the numbers are 90.5kg. No sure what is contributing...and I feel it could be a bit of everything... IUD out, metabolism back on track, portion control, liver mets, Xeloda side effects. On the positive side my nails are getting long and strong, they have been a bit of an indicator as to my inside health, tending to flake and break whenever things are going badly inside... 

So today, still a bleagh day lurgy wise... Looking at my chest of drawers, I thought I would try on my wedding ring... And voila, it fitted, I have been wearing it all day, and I don't even notice it... Yay.